Penny for Thoughts?

the thought i'm having today...

2012-02-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

"who hasn't at some point been seduced by a map? maps are like mirrors in the room of your mind, expanding to the very edges of the globe."

my boys...

2012-02-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

this past weekend i did what every good youth leader does: i took 18 kiddos up to forest home for some winter camp wonder. forest home is a place that holds special memories for me. my grandparents helped to build the very first tee-pee at indian village (a name that back then was great but today is a teensy bit racist). as a camper i attended forest home every summer and winter. once i was old enough i began to go as a counselor. when i go to forest home i really do feel like i am returning to the place where my faith first stretched it's legs. it's like i'm lucy and i'm going back to narnia (if you don't get that reference you are either one of my students or we aren't real friends).

usually i am so excited for camp. i pack days before and i can't sleep because i'm so amped to revisit those tall trees and milkshakes. but this year i've had so much on my plate, i was so tired, and just convinced that there wasn't anything left for God to teach me in the mountains. but yet again, God proved me wrong.

i have so many stories i want to share from this weekend. i'm sure there will be plenty of blogs about the adventures. but this time i want to tell you about one moment- one small, subtle, life affirming moment with my boys.

i've always been very comfortable in a roomful of boys. the noise, dirt, chaos, and smells don't bother me (usually). as a leader in youth ministry i have a special affection for those lopsided grins and inability to filter. throughout the years i have been collecting boys, the ones who i get to mother and laugh with and tell not to jump off bridges just because they think it will be "awesome" become mine. i get the immense privilege of loving them. but collecting boys is more painful than collecting baseball cards. as they grow up, often they decide that the God who is everything to me, isn't everything to them. they become logical and cynical and the joy of faith slowly slips away from them. there is nothing more devastating than seeing the boys who i've poured all i have into decide a relationship with God isn't everything to them. it makes me want to give up completely.

but this weekend God gave me a present. he helped to remind me why i continue to love and work and pray. one of my very special boys went with me as a counselor this year. patrick is one of my best boys. he is smart and sweet and funny. he has plenty of reasons not to open up his heart, but he doesn't let the circumstances of the world harden him. this weekend i had the joy of seeing him with my new boys. i watched as he poured himself into them. i watched as he laughed with them and told them stories and teased them. and that would have been enough. it would have been enough to remind me that this job i do is exactly what i was created for. but as usual, God had something so much bigger planned.

the last morning at forest home the band lets the kids pour into the aisles and onto the stage. they play worship songs like it's the last music anyone will ever hear. our church happened to be sitting in the front so i had a great view of the organized chaos. i was singing when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. patrick had brought up his cabin of boys to the front. they were standing in a little half circle with patrick behind them. all of them had their hands in the air and their heads thrown back, singing at the top of their lungs. and there was patrick, behind them with his arms around their shoulders. i watched as my old boy worshipped jesus with my new boys and my eyes filled with tears.

that small moment is why i put up with longs nights and church politics. that moment is why i let small minded and critical comments roll off my back. it's why i know no matter how much i mess up God is always turning my mistakes into His glory. watching a boy i discipled and loved and prayed for, love and disciple and pray for new boys is everything. it's everything.

catching up...

2012-01-28T18:05:00.000-08:00

it has been much too long since i posted something. i'm not sure why i let so much time pass between blogs... i have had many thoughts since early november. i sat down at the computer so many times to write, but for whatever reason no words came. i have found some things are hard to articulate. even though i don't have an exactly coherent thought to hand you i've decided to blog anyway. so here's a teensy tiny update on what i've been thinking the last couple of months:

work:
i don't think it's possible to express in a sentence the emotions that my job brings me. in a single day i can feel rage, joy, sorrow, frustration, and hope. after the new year we started a jr. high and high school small group and i've been shocked by how amazing it has been. i've been going through an andy stanley book with them and i am so proud by how they've recieved it. we sit on tuesday nights and talk about the state of our hearts. is there anything better than that? i have to say for every aspect of my job that makes me want to rip my hair out, there is a greater ammount of love. the love i have for the students makes my heart feel like it's going to beat out of my chest. i love them, even when they're loud, emotional, annoying and rude. i love them when they're curious, kind, and graceful. mostly i love that they are going to grow into men and women who we write history books about.

bingley:
mr. bingley is the fuzziest little miracle ever to waltz into my life. caring for his little life has injected a freshness into mine. i will never again doubt the power a pet can have. he's still just a pup, which is what i remind myself when he eats one of my shoes, pees in petsmart, or nibbles my finger. best bingley story of the moment: he has a toy giraffe that i put in his crate when i first got him. he now can't sleep without it. i watch as he drags it all over the house. he lays his little head on it when he naps and if it isn't in his crate when he goes to sleep at night he will bark till i toss it in there. so cute.

me:
i've been going through a lot since thanksgiving. i've made some pretty giant decisions (decisions i'm not quite ready to share on the interwebs) and i've made some significant changes. i'm working hard on myself. over the holidays i realized that i have a tendancy to put my needs at the very bottom of the heap. i don't voice my thoughts or feelings for fear of offending someone. even simple things like caring for my body i let slip through my fingers. so i'm working at it. i'm trying to find balance. mostly i'm trying to live my life like Jesus led his. i fail regularly, but i'm feeling stronger because of the effort.

well that's it. like i promised, it's just a teeny tiny update. more to come, of course.

what would you do...

2011-11-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

i am about to admit something majorly embarrassing...
i am addicted to oprah's lifeclass. i watched all the episodes. i loved them. i cried every. single. time. yes it is ridiculous. yes i am ashamed. but i learned something and because i promise to always share the wealth, i've decided to take to my blog and share the info with ya'll.

when i came home from south africa the whole world felt upside down. i'd left home for a year and while i was gone i changed and grew. but when i came home everything seemed as if it had stood still. this was a really unnerving feeling. i wish i could crack open my brain and let you take a peek at the havoc i was in the middle of. i went about my daily life as normally as i could, but inside the teeniest chores seemed like mountains. it was often that i'd get in my car and start driving to the grocery store or church and i'd just weep. i'd have to pull over to the side of the road so i wouldn't crash.

my first christmas home marked a really important anniversary for me. the previous year i was breathing sweet, sweet south african air and staring at a completely different set of stars. so, that first christmas back in the land of southern california was hard. about a week before christmas i asked God for a very special miracle. i asked him to bring me back to africa, even if only for an hour. i knew it was crazy, but that's all i wanted. i just wanted one moment back where my heart first learned to beat.

a couple days after i prayed that prayer i happened to be flipping through channels and i landed on an episode of oprah. i never watched oprah (i was young and hadn't yet realized the awesome power of the o) but for some reason i decided to just watch for a few minutes. that was the beginning of my miracle. when i had been in africa we kept hearing that oprah was there too. we'd visit an orphanage and the workers would tell us stories of how they had met oprah. i hadn't really thought much of it. but a year later i was watching an episode where oprah showed the footage of her time in south africa. for an hour, i got to see the places i had walked and she even interviewed people i had met. she held babies i had held. God gave me my hour and oh how precious that hour was.

ok you're probably wondering what all that has to do with the amazing lesson i learned. a couple days ago oprah re aired some of the footage from that episode. she was talking about how she learned to take chances and see the joy in life. then she posed this question: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?"

i started thinking about the chelsea that went to africa. the girl who got on a plane with 12 people she had only known for three months. the girl who spoke in prisons, hammered nails, sat by bedsides, and believed there was nothing too big for her Jesus. it's been almost 10 years since that trip. in those 10 years i have let fear creep back into my life. i have forgotten that i am a daughter of the most high God. i have let my God get small, but "small" isn't a word you can use to describe Yahweh.

oprah's question is a good one. but if i was posing it, i would word it a little bit differently. WHAT WOULD YOU LET GOD DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID? let Him work through you. let Him give you miracles. trust Him with the most tender parts of your heart. if you do you just might see mountains move and what a sight that would be.

things i'm thinking about when i should be planning next week's lesson plan...

2011-10-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

1. i don't know why i keep a bowl of candy on my desk, it just makes it even more difficult to ignore it.
2. fall is the time of year i miss seattle the most. i can't stand it that i'm missing the crisp, cool air and beautiful leaves.
3. i'm almost done with my book on africa, but i've decided i'm too chicken to let anyone read it. i guess i'll have to see if i can find my courage once i'm officially finished.
4. i'm so sleepy.
5. we had earthquake drills all day today and i have to say, i doubt that in a real emergency things would go as smoothly.
6. i have the best music playlists ever! every time i think the next song can't beat the last one, something awesome comes on. some days shuffle really is my friend.
7. i have the best friends ever. some days i am just astounded by the love, humor, graciousness, and selflessness they have. a special "i love you" goes to: PATRICK, CARLEE, TIMBERLY, MATTY (both the california version and the seattle version), LALA, AMY, MISS JACKSON, TYLER, and the amazing, fantastic SIGNE!
8. i have no idea what game to play at youth group tonight.
9. i'm mad at maryann because she doesn't post blog updates nearly enough.
10. every time sugarland comes on it reminds me of high school, which is weird because they definitely didn't have a CD out when i was in high school.

questions...

2011-10-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

i get a lot of questions throughout my day...

some of the business ones sound like this:
"have you turned in your budget proposal?"
"are there still spots for winter camp?"
"what time should i drop my kid off for the event on saturday?"

some of the personal ones sound like this:
"do you want to grab coffee and catch up this week?"
"are you done using the washing machine?"
"what should we make for dinner?"

but the most important questions are the ones that sound like this:
"do you think God is listening to my prayers?"
"do my parents love me?"
"will it ever get better?"

now i think what i find the most frustrating is that the most important questions are the ones that i just don't have concrete answers for. the most horrible aspect of my job is that i don't have an answer that washes away the pain and uncertainty of life. these students i work with are wonderful and smart. they're compassionate and so hilarious. so when they look at me and ask me the BIG, SCARY questions i just want to be able to give them an answer. but i don't have one.

so here's what the questions i ask sound like:
"God, am i doing a good job?"
"God, how do i love people the way you would?"
"God, will you help me?"

copy-cat

2011-09-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

as per usual, i'm copying my best blog ideas. anyway, i was trying to come up with a good and concise way to give ya'll an update on the life and times of chelsea lee... so i stumbled upon this. By the by, if you aren't reading my friend maryann's blog you are missing some amaze-balls stuff. here's my version:

currents, 9/27/2011...

1. current music: geez, the only way i could figure this out was to look at my most recently played list on my ipod, here's what came up: gungor, james taylor, glee, and mumford and sons.

2. current wishlist: to have my very last student loan all paid off. too bad i'm still a year away from that gem.

3. current tv show: the new girl- i am shocked by how much i love this show.

4. current location: i think that would be the front steps in the sanctuary of RLC during preschool chapel. i love watching those teeny-tiny little people sing songs to God and i adore that i get to help them figure out who they are going to be.

5. current book: the help. i don't care if it's a bandwagon, i loved reading this book.

6. current indulgence: spending all saturday catching up on what's recorded on my DVR. this is not only a waste of a DVR, but it's making me a couch potato.

7. current worry: that i'm not good enough. that i'm only giving my job, my family, my friends, and my life a percentage of me. that i'll never be able to be "all the way in".

8. current project: i'm building these drawers for under my bed. and yes, i'm just as impressed with that sentence as you are. let's all take a minute to ask God to make sure that they turn out awesome and not ugly.

9. current movie: i can't get enough of crazy, stupid love. i saw it like 4 times in theatres and i never do that. it was amazing. i feel like it speaks to me in some way that i can't quite get a hold of.

it's a puplife...

2011-09-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I adopted the little face above. I had been thinking about getting a puppy for awhile, but it was one of those things that I think about and talk about and then decide it's too much work and move on to something else. But when some friends of mine adpoted a puppy (who was just the cutest thing ever) and told me that there was a little boy available in the litter I just did something totally spontaneous and snatched him up before someone else could.

The afternoon I brought him home I remember carrying this little fluff ball to my car and thinking, "UH-OH! Now you've done it... Now you've got this little creature to take care of." Puppies, in case you didn't know, are a lot like furry babies. Especially in the beginning. You wake up with them every 45 minutes because they ahve to use the bathroom, they're teething so they chew everything, they get into everything so you have to watch them, they cost a bunch of money as they need "stuff", they need love and discipline and mostly time. Time to train them to be good dogs and time to care for them.

Mr. Bingley is a lot of work. But here's why he's worth it: he's got the whole "unconditional love/adoration" thang down to a science. I mean, I'm this little guy's whole world. I know that sounds insane, to love being loved by a dog... and I'm not sure how exactly to explain it... but let's just say that Mr. Bingley came to me at just the right moment. He drives me crazy but he's also the best company after a long day.

So, dear blog, get aquainted with Mr. Bingley. I promise this isn't going to turn into a blog full of posts about my pet, but I can't promise I won't be posting cute pictures and stories now and then.

never underestimate an 8th grader...

2011-09-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

here's some of the reasons why i love my job...

1. no one makes me laugh like my boys. shout out to jake, patrick, jay, matt, ricky, waffles, vincent, dillon, and taylor!
2. i learn all about what's in fashion from the greatest girls ever created.
3. i still get to go to camp.
4. i have these amazing conversations about life and love and God.
5. ricky's bucket dance.
6. each day looks different, nothing is ever stagnate.
7. i get to watch as students, who aren't even young enough to vote, work to change the world. i get to help them get involved and love people the way God created them to love.
8. listening to my kiddos sing worship songs.
9. avalon. period. need i say more?
10. watching the kids that i love and adore and pray for grow up and begin to love and adore and pray for others. there is no better moment than when i realize that the faith i hold so closely is as important to my students as it is to me.

A Year to Grow...

2011-08-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

this morning i finished david platt's book "Radical". i've been reading it for most of the summer and honestly, i must say that until today i would have said it's good, but not life changing. each chapter i read i would agree with what he was saying, but i just couldn't seem to see why i needed to read it. i thought to myself, "chelsea, this is a book for those people who haven't been on mission trips. this is for the Christians that just show up on sunday and don't love God the way you do." sometimes i am disgusted by my own ego. the good news is whenever that nasty pride manages to creep up, God knocks me down a peg or two.

i read the last chapter today. it was all about taking a year to devote completely to God. there were five commitments that the reader could make for the next year to begin to show them how to live their lives radically. as i read the words i realized that i need this challenge so desperately. most days i use my job and my family to hide behind.

i lived in africa, so it doesn't matter that i spend more time at the movies or watching TV than i do at the feet of my Savior.
i work at a church, so i don't need to find a place in my community to serve- i am serving!
my money is mine, so i can spend it on whatever i want.
God gets my weekdays- so the weekends belong to me.

these are lies that i tell myself, maybe not consciously, but i tell them nonetheless. the thing is that God asks for so much more of me. He asks me to leave my mother and father, pick up my cross and follow Him. How have i let the devil convince me that those words are tepid? i have grown comfortable and it's made me lazy. so, i'm taking david platt's challenge. i've decided to spend the next full year following the steps below. my hope is that each one will help me turn my eyes off of myself and put them back on the Father. my greatest desire is that i will live my life in such a way that brings glory to God.

i'm sharing the specifics so that you dear blog, can help keep me accountable. ask me how it's going! also if you want to join me, i think that would be great!

1. Pray for the entire world: for the next year i will spend time regularly in prayer for the world. i'm going to get a giant map of the world and put it up in my room or office and i'm going to spend time praying over each country.

2. Read the entire Word: the only way to truly know what God wants from us is to listen to His words. the best place for that is the Bible. this year i will start in Genesis and work my way through to Revelation. although this is something i've done before, i want to use each day's reading as a way to listen. i want to see what God has for me in these words.

3. Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose: this is going to be hard. not to toot my own horn, but i am pretty good with my finances. i like to think that because of that i am allowed to "treat myself" from time to time. this is how i end up with more clothes than i could possibly need or a new book when i still haven't finished the last one. but i also think that this is the challenge where i will learn the most. so... i'm making a commitment to look over my budget, anywhere that's not deemed a "necessity" is going to get cut. OUCH! i'm going to pray about a cause or non-profit and i will donate that extra cash for the next 12 months.

4. Spend time in another context: when i read what was in this section, i felt like i was already accomplishing this. basically this just means to serve. serve locally, and serve internationally. platt encourages his readers to find a way to get their hands dirty. and again i immediately went, "yes! i've got this covered!" but just because my job has service woven into it doesn't mean that there isn't more of me to give. i can't remember the last time i visited the elderly in the hospital or served at a soup kitchen or went on a mission trip just because God asked me to and not for my job. so i'm going to find a way to give this year. not because i have students who need to see how important it is but because I AM A STUDENT WHO NEEDS TO SEE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS.

5. commit your life to a multiplying community: translation: get involved in a local church. done and done.

so that's it. that's how i'm spending my year. i want to end with a quote from this book. i think it sums up everything with words i just don't have:

"You and I have an average of about seventy or eighty years on this earth. During these years we are bombarded with the temporary. Make money. Get stuff. Be comfortable. Live well. Have fun. In the middle of it all, we get blinded to the eternal. But it's there. You and I stand on the porch of eternity. Both of us will soon stand before God to give an account for our stewardship of the time, the resources, the gifts, and ultimately the gospel he has entrusted to us. When that day comes, I am convinced we will not wish we had given more of ourselves to living the American dream. We will not wish we had made more money, acquired more stuff, lived more comfortably, taken more vacations, watched more television, pursued greater retirement, or been more successful in the eyes of this world. Instead we will wish we had given more of ourselves to living for the day when every nation, tribe, people, and language will bow around the throne and sing the praises of the Savior who delights in radical obedience and the God who deserves eternal worship. Are you read to live for this dream? let's not waver any longer."

The Help, Helped...

2011-08-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

this last week i read The Help- actually that's a lie. this last week i DEVOURED The Help. I read the whole book in 5 hours. I couldn't put it down. The very next day as soon as I was done with work I marched myself down to Del Amo and caught an early showing of the movie with the entire population of the AARP. the following are my thoughts- jumbled, insane, and probably a bit over reaching- just like you like them.

in both the book and the movie what most caught my attention was the love abilee had for mae mobley. she grabs hold of that little girl, looks her in the eye, and says, "mae mobley is kind, mae mobley is smart, mae mobley is important." i lost each and every time i read that. because that's what this story boils down to. it's the story of looking someone in the eye and respecting them. it's the story of remembering that we're different, but those differences are what make our world special. those differences should be celebrated and shared.

as i think about this country and the places we've travelled i can't help but feel grateful. i'm so grateful that there were men and women who were brave enough to stand up and speak the truth- no matter what the consequences. i can't help but be in awe of the rosa parks', the martin luther king jr's, and all the people who fought for what was right. but this story reminds me of something else... this story reminds me that there are still injustices in this world. there are still battles to fight.

The Help reminded me that there is a fire in my belly. i am a woman with fight in her. i am ready to stand up and shout the truth. i'm not exactly sure the full scope of this. but i do know, it begins with me scooping each one of my students up, looking them in the eyes, and saying, "you are kind. you are smart. you are important."

Apocalypse, Pt. LAST...

2011-08-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well Loyal Blog Followers:

It's been a long and wondrous journey. The Apocalypse Lists were all so creative and hilarious. I loved reading them. I thought we'd end this little experiment with my list. By the by if you are reading this and have no context or understanding of what's going on just scroll down and read like the last 6 entries. So please to enjoy:

The Sydney Bristow Team of the Apocalypse:

Creating this team was more difficult than I thought it would be. There were definitely moments when I struggled with who to take and who to leave behind for the zombies to devour. Ultimately though I had to be ruthless. The following ten people can handle just about anything that the apocalypse will throw at them. Go ahead, pick up that gauntlet I just threw down. I dare you...

THE LADIES:

Patrice Foster aka Patrick:

Patrick was my roommate during college. She was pre-med (she's currently in medical school) and she is probably one of the best science nerds ever anywhere. In addition to being brainy her summer job was to work for Montana's Parks and Rec department. She literally hiked all over Montana tracking Noxious (sp?) weeds. So obviously she's on the team and I'm sure you think I'm going to say it's because she can use her medical and survival skills to carry our team to victory. It's not. We will of course capitalize on Patrick's vast knowledge. But we will rely on her for something far more important: her willingness to perform any dare. My Patrick is insane. Once I got her to run around our house in the middle of winter (in Seattle) in her underwear during the middle of the day. She's got balls and we're going to need them.

Rachel Nazarian aka Dawson:

Rachel is my sister-in-law. She is hard working, has a good attitude, and loves the color pink. All of these are reasons she belongs on this elite team. But Rachel's best asset? She tells it like it is. When zombies are attacking our perimeter and we're down to our last can of baked beans it will be tempting to put a positive spin on things. But Rachel will just give me her best eye roll/sigh combo and say, "Chels I love you, but you know we're in trouble here. Maybe we should stop with the jokes and just feed the zombies Daisy." I know Rachel will survive the Apocalypse- I went on a cruise to Mexico with her.

Amy Cox-Klug aka Mrs. Sheriff Jeff:

Amy was my baby-sitter. She let me jump on my parents' bed and watch Newsies as much as I wanted. She was who I wanted to be when I grew up. Amy and I have some of the best conversations I've ever had. When we get together hours pass before I notice. But what does she bring to an Apocalypse? Well, first of all, she has adopted two beautiful boys from Africa and she's amazing with paper work. This is a skill we will need once we're ready to set up a semi-permanent government. She's brilliant and tenacious and doesn't mind walking on a scabies-filled rug. But mostly Amy is here because she is the strongest woman I know. Life has knocked her down plenty and Amy just keeps getting up. We need her strength- especially when fighting the brain-eating zombies.

Jenna Quan aka Valentine:

It's been said before, Jenna is amazing. I think she's on every person's list- this speaks to her amazing abilities. So I'll just say, I'm not stupid, I want Jenna on my team too. Why on earth would I draft a rookie when Tom Brady is available??

Avalon Ragone aka Lil' Chels:

Avalon is one of my delightful students. She's going into 9th grade in the Fall, she loves TOMS shoes, and she was in a Star Trek movie when she was a baby. Among all of that Avalon will do absolutely ANY task you give her. Seriously the jobs that absolutely no one else will take Avi does with a smile. But the biggest reason she's on this team is that I know nothing will break her. She is one of the famous Ragone Triplets and if she can survive life with Vincent and Dillon, she can survive anything.

THE MEN:
Pierre Bartels aka The Christian Yoda

Seriously guys? Seriously? No one has Pierre on their lists?! Are you all insane? Do you want to watch all your loved ones get their brains eaten by zombies? Pierre needs no explanation, but here is one just in case you don't know who he is. Pierre is South Africa's Godfather. He runs the organization Out Of Africa Missions. He's not scared of hard work or tears. He can sort out absolutely any problem. Once my friend Sam lost his contacts while we were travelling through South Africa. Pierre got him new ones, without his prescription or a visit to an eye-doctor. Oh, and did I mention they were the right PRESCRIPTION??!! How does that happen?! Also Pierre will help us remember that God loves us and is in control. Frankly he'll probably have all the zombies converted and loving Jesus day 2 into the Apocalypse.

Tyler Hellinga aka Buck Wild:

Tyler is my Best Man of Honor (even if he doesn't want to admit it). I trust him with my life, my secrets, and a blow torch. He's been hit by multiple cars, in multiple cities. He climbs mountains, battles raging rivers, and hunts sharks. Let's face it, Tyler is going to be the main muscle on this team. Plus when we were in jr. high he promised me he could build me a castle in Mexico in one week, so setting up our shelter should be no problem.

Aaron Bensoua aka Benzy:

Without Aaron none of these lists would be possible, so he has to be on my team. But it's not like he'll be dead weight. The man will be a major asset. First of all Aaron has a focus I've never seen before. I have seen him at the gym and it's like the whole world disappears. Seriously, you can yell his name as loud as you want, he won't hear you until he's done all his reps. This focus will be imperative to our survival. The other reason Aaron's on this team is he does everything 100%. If Bensoua tells you he'll be in your Fantasy League, Book Club, Fruit-of-the-Week mailing list, Fraternity, or Secret Cult he does it completely. The man commits. So congratulations Aaron's currently non-existent wife, you got a keeper.

Tucker Bissaillon aka Papa Tuck:

Tucker helps out with my youth group. He is quiet, well-mannered, easy going, and a joy to be around. But here's why he's on this list: Tucker is one of the funniest people I know. It takes awhile to be admitted into his circle of trust, but once you are, you will not be able to stop laughing. In addition to all of this Tucker has survived multiple camps with our Jr. High boys, he can do anything. I love me some Papa Tuck!

Alexander Bertucci aka Xander or "Not the Clone"

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty torn between taking Xander and Baby Leoh Severios. I'm still not sure I made the right call. But this I know to be true: Xander is funny, has great style, and can survive two weeks in South Africa no problem. He also has a very secret, very real plan to rebuild our government in case of Apocalypse. I'm not allowed to divulge the details, but suffice to say, he's prepared for every possible scenario.

So there it is... my team. If the Apocalypse happens we'll all meet at my house for the inevitable "get ready" montage that comes in any Apocalypse movie.

Good luck and God bless to all the Apocalypse teams out there. May the best survive!

The Apocalypse- pt. 6

2011-08-07T19:23:00.001-07:00

Ok, ok, ok... we almost done with Apocalypse lists on Chelsea's blog! Hang in there! Here's a submission from Jenny Nazarian!! Enjoy it people! This is the last one (I'll post mine in a day or two and then we'll be done).
Love,
Chelsea
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I was going to stay out of it... but I just can't do it! Your apocalypse lists are interesting but very short sighted. It's great to have a whole bunch of muscle and machine guns on your side, but you are all lacking a very important component: OLD PEOPLE!!! They have wisdom. They have experience. AND they don't care anymore how they look, thus giving you youngsters more mirror time during the disaster. Many wear diapers so you won't have to always be on the lookout for a port-a-potty during scouting trips. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... they lived through the Reagan administration so they can help you set up your new government. LOOK AHEAD PEOPLE, it's not all guts and glory... we need a PLAN for the future!

Personally, I hope I perish in the first wave, but in case I don't... I humbly offer my suggestions for the "Apocalypse Team":

Noreen Nazarian:

Yes, it's true she's a little slow physically and she often leaves her hearing aids at home, but she more than makes up for it in spiritual muscle. We can leave her behind in the camp knowing that she will be on her knees praying for us as we are out there fighting or gathering food. During campfires at night she will tell us bible stories or read us articles from Reader's Digest and remind us to seek God first. She lived through the Great Depression so she knows how to make do with less. She doesn't eat much and with a little help from Apple tech support she can set up her own computer system.

Tom Cox

This man knows how to balance a budget people! You won't find yourselves dealing with debt ceiling issues with Tom on your team. Politically savvy, smart, trustworthy, and able to walk for miles as long as he's hydrated, Tom is a win-win team member.

Heather White:

Heather works long and hard and isn't a whiner. She can cook and isn't squeamish. She has a science background and home schooled two ruffians for years so we can trust her to educate the next generation.

Tyler Hellinga:

I'm not an idiot. Someone has to do the fighting! Tyler's my best hope for our survival. He can most anything including arson involving a troll doll (it's a long, entertaining story- ask Chelsea to tell it to you sometime). He's also respectful to old people and has good manners, thanks to Denise Hellinga, so there's some hope for decency in the next generation.

Amy Hellinga:

Medical professional and all around nice person. She will set up the new health care system with intelligence and compassion. Also there's no hope of keeping Tyler Hellinga happy and focused on fighting without her... plus I'm counting on her to help with the repopulation process since most of us are past our prime in that particular area.

Bryan White:

It's all been said, but we need this guy to survive. No one else is going to have the innovation and talent to put up new satellites and restore communication. He's not a picky eater and will go out of his way to make peace with the enemy. Sometimes DIPLOMACY works better than starting a war, Tyler Nazarian!

Cheryl Thom:

If you've ever been on a mission trip with Cheryl, you know that she is gifted at finding water. We'll need this skill. She is also perky and fun and knows how to plan a wedding on a budget. I figure we are going to have to find Bryan a mate at some point in the future, even if we have to steal one from an enemy camp... repopulation is important to our goals here! Cheryl is in!

Mark Nazarian:

We need a qualified Armenian to bargain for supplies and Bryan's future wife. In addition, Mark can preside over the wedding and the inevitable funerals. In his youth, Mark insisted that the president of the United States requested that he not get a vasectomy just in case they wanted to build a super race. I never believed this story, but it was President Ford so anything is possible. That being said, I think we better just count on Mark for his abilities as a counselor, spiritual advisor and trade advocate.

Katie Timmerman:

Katie is tough as nails and good at spying. She can take any junior higher (and Kevin Cox) with one hand tied behind her back and isn't given to drama or hysterical fits so common to girls her age. I think she has potential to be one of the next world leaders. In the meantime, Tyler Hellinga will find her skills as recon specialist invaluable.

Chris Graue:

Chris will be on hand to record and interpret history as it happens (i.e. History Project Theatre). He will be our scribe, our storyteller, and shaman. His outlook on life is refreshing and unique and he doesn't mind going without a shower. Plus, he isn't afraid to challenge the status quo so he will keep Tom from getting uppity about the budget. Chris, we need you!

The Apocalypse- pt. 5

2011-08-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Loyal Blog Readers:

Have you given up on my blog forever because it's been overrun by Apocalypse Lists? I hope not. I promise by Monday I will have returned to regular scheduled programming. For that slim group that is loving these lists here's another one. Now this author holds a special place in my heart because he is Armo, loves God, has the musical talents of an angel, and just became the proud father of the world's cutest half armo-half Russian baby.

Enjoy this hairy edition!

Love,

Chels

p.s. side note. Alex did send me some wonderful photos to go along with this post. However apparently computers hate me. I crashed my computer 3x trying to upload them- then I crashed my computer at work when I tried again. So... I reccomend checking out his facebook to see what these people look like.

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The Apocalypse Dream Team

Written By: Alex Enfiedjian

The end of the world has come and only one team is going to survive. I propose that my team will whoop all the other teams' butts! So who makes the cut?

TYLER HELLINGA: Tyler is a madman. This man is the most athletic man I know. He is good at anything that involves physical activity (way to go Amy!). Give him a skateboard, he'll ollie over your head! Oh, did I mention he's the most extreme person I know? "Yes please, I'd like to sign my life away to jump out of airplanes behind enemy lines, find a captured solider, and then drag the wounded fool through the woods, or desert, or snowy tundra, as I shoot lots of nameless bad guys with my one free hand, leaving a wake of bloody bodies behind as I bring the lost solider to safety." That's Tyler Hellinga. Hardcore.

RYAN CHAMBERS: Ryan is the world's best wanderer. The guy has been wandering for the last eight years. Just yesterday he crashed on my couch on his way down from Portland Oregon, riding his bike with 100 pounds of survival gear all the way down to Los Angeles... by himself. And that was one of his short bike trips. He's traveled Europe for 4 months, by himself, without a map or a translator... he's been to Central America and Illinois (I know, right?!). He doesn't mind sleeping in his car, and in fact, he prefers it to an apartment. Ryan is a deep thinker and will balance out my impulsiveness. Plus we outran a train on a narrow bridge together... so I'm pretty sure we can survive anything.

NIKOS ENFIEDJIAN: Nikos just don't take no crap from nobody. I need his ornery little self on my team!

SCOTT BREITHAUPT: Scott grew up in Forks, Washington (Yes, where Twilight is based. No, he's not a vampire.). I know you guys don't know Scott, but he's a woodsman to the core. No joke, for fun, he hikes 10 miles out into the middle of the woods with nothing but water, a backpack, and a rifle. He sleeps out there in the pitch black without a tent or a sleeping bag. Then early in the morning, he hikes out further, kills the biggest deer he can find, and cuts it up into small pieces, packs the meat into his backpack, and then lugs the 100lbs of meat back the 10 or 20 miles to his car. The best part is, he knows how to make amazing deer jerky.

ME: I mean... its my team, so I gotta be on it, right?

LILIYA ENFIEDJIAN: She's a super sexy Russian spy and she can grab things with her toes. Need I say more? Oh ya... and she's my super sexy Russian wife as well. Triple win! No, but seriously, besides being incredibly beautiful, Lilya is just the most amazing, supportive, self-sacrificial person I know. I need her on my team and in my life... even if there isn't much life left.

CHELSEA NAZARIAN: Chelsea is pretty boss. She's really smart, kind, and compassionate. She will be there for us when we have mental breakdowns and will let us cry in her arms as she comforts us and creepily strokes out hair.

HEATHER BREITHAUPT: Scott's wife. She's pretty kick butt too. She can hike a million miles while carrying her 40 pound toddler on her back. I tried to do it for like 5 minutes and my weak Armenian thighs were jiggling like jello. Plus Heather has 3 kids so, she knows how to multitask... and she makes some bomb food.

CAROL WILLIAMS: This lady is just the sweetest most wonderful lady you'll ever meet. She dances with flags during worship... come on now! Plus she's full of wise, spirit-filled counsel (her white hair proves it). We need people like hat when we're all fighting and wanting to kill each other because we can't agree on which person of the team to kill and eat first. Carol would step in and point out the weakest member and make the decision clear! Just kidding... she'd calm us down and make sure we didn't harm each other. It's always a good thing to have Carol Williams around.

MADISON KALAMA: I couldn't fit Justin into my guy's group... so I gotta squeeze a Kalama in here somewhere. Madison is pretty awesome. She works in an old-people's hospice, so she's used to gross and gnarly things. She wipes poop off grown people's bodies everyday... and she prays for them while she does it! Pretty amazing! I know that Maddy would be able to take really good care of us if one of us were to get injured by a zombie or radioactive dog or something like that.

So that's it. That's my list. I know I've used all my 10, and I know that a post-apocalyptic world isn't exactly the safest place for babies... but look at this uber-cuteness alright?? I'm sneaking in Sophia Enfiedjian for slot 11.

The Apocalypse- pt. Graue

2011-08-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

No you didn't read the title wrong. It is indeed Chris Graue's turn to weigh in! Thanks be to God! Now I have to say that as per Chris, he colored outside the lines. Chris didn't exactly "follow the rules". But my love for him and his hilarious list knows no bounds. So without further ado, I give you Chris Graue's Apocalypse List!!

Love,

Chelsea

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I have included links to images next to the names:

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Zombie Dream Team

I think you've all picked awful dream teams. Mine will finish you all.

The Guys

Donatello (http://cache2.allpostersimages.com/p/LRG/41/4182/5CYUF00Z/posters/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-donatello.jpg)

He's a ninja turtle, but the most reliable one. He's smart, he builds crazy machines out of mostly things he finds in the sewer, and let's face it, in post apocalyptic times, these MacGuyver like skills will be handy. While I'd probably prefer to hang out with Michaelangelo, Donatello is by far the handiest turtle to have around.

T-800 (http://www.dreadcentral.com/img/news/dec09/t800a.jpg)

We'll need protection from zombies, wild animals, and, let's face it, other bands of humans including dream teams like yours, so I elect to be protected by the nearly indestructible T-800. Yes, I suppose he could be pushed into lava, but come on, I'm not going to Hawaii after the apocalypse.

Falkor (http://www.alicia-logic.com/capsimages01/tns_044Falkor.jpg)

Wise, loyal, and he can effing fly. Though he's not particularly strong or magical, luckdragons have particular luck in all the do. If what he's trying to do is help me and my dream team survive, that'll be super helpful. If things ever get to sketchy, we can all climb aboard and fly to our next destination.

Kermit the Frog (http://gal.darkervision.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/kermit.jpg)

Most of your lists are full of the wrong kinds of leader types. You talk about how these people would be able to assert their will and get things done, but with tensions running high, the person I'd most like to see as leader is the one most reluctant to take the power. For this reason, I hand that role to Kermit T. Frog. He'd never get too full of himself or put himself ahead of the group, but always be able to convince us of what is right to do through his incredible ability to articulate his morality in a humble way.

Aslan (http://dingo.care2.com/pictures/c2c/share/79/799/923/799231_370.jpg)

He's God in lion form. What more do you want?

The Girls

Arwen (http://images.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Arwen-lord-of-the-rings-113081_1280_1024.jpg)

Elves have magic powers and can cast some pretty awesome spells. She's a strong woman in her own right and can handle being out in rough terrain for long periods of time. Plus, she can fight with a sword, useful for chopping zombie heads off.

Athena (http://206.47.170.43/channels/images/ParkasValeriiMAIN456_.jpg)

A military background would be a huge asset. Athena could coordinate our maneuvers. Despite being a Cylon, she has incredible loyalty and the ability to defy her programming. As seen in early episodes, even skin jobs do not tire easily under times of great stress, so she'd not drag our group down.

Kira (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_azorGkCtHTo/SJt2InFWkkI/AAAAAAAAA14/1F0pkprSmzU/s400/dark_crystal.jpg)

One of the last remaining Gelflings, she has a deep bond to the natural world. Considering that much of our time will likely be spent where the least zombies are, places where humans don't congregate, I imagine we'll live in the woods. Her ability to communicate with animals and get them to team up with us will be a huge expansion to our team. A literal bird's eye view on watch patrol? Check. Bears to handle strays before the reach us? Check. The ability to tell raccoons not to steal from us? Checkity check.

Nala (http://www.lionking.org/~affinity/nalawater.jpg)

She's tough, a great hunter, and provides assurance that the lion race will live on in my group (you know, assuming she and Aslan get along and knock boots [tails?]).

Oblina (http://images.wikia.com/rugrats/images/4/44/Oblina.jpg)

I'll admit, this is a strange one, but she lives off trash and it's pretty freaking smart. It's not like she'd consume a lot of resources, is used to filth, and is generally pretty nurturing. I feel like I've got my fundamental needs taken care of with the rest of my group, so I'll go out on a limb with my final pick.

You see, not only are my individual components greater, but I've looked over one glaring error you all suffer from: no one on my team is human. None of them can become zombies.

So your team is surviving well. Great. Middle of the night, Bryan White has a heart attack. You're all dead before you even wake up as he devours your brains. Besides myself, this cannot happen to anyone else on my team (at least according to the rules of the majority of zombie universes).

And I know what you're thinking, but yes, Elves and Cylons can both mate with humans. Giggity.

The Apocalypse- Pt. 4

2011-07-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Hi All:

Here's the latest... Tyler Nazarian's much anticipated Apocalypse List! Only a few more days to turn in your submissions! If you haven't been following the story from the beginning here's your chance! Read this, this, and this!

Love to you,

Chelsea

Apocalypse Now

Written by: Tyler M. Nazarian

Ok, here's the deal... as soon as my sister and Aaron started discussing this end of the world apocalypse situation and what group of 10 people could survive the longest, it Chelsea about 5 minutes to call and fill me in. Needless to say being the planner that I am, I've already had a working list on this exact topic for some time now.

The first thing we need to clear up is the scenario. This is an apocalypse situation. This is not a zombie or vampire situation. In my scenario, there has been some sort of catastrophic global disaster, similar to the movies: The Postman, The Book of Eli, or the TV show Jericho. My team of ten is a group best suited t survive in the barren wasteland that remains. If we were attempting to outrun zombies or fend off vampires, this list would look quite different. I just wanted to clear that up prior to the reveal that way we're all on board.

Now in reading some of the other lists out there I've noticed that some people have gone to great lengths to try and be funny, or to bring along loved ones, or not to hurt feelings; this will not be my list. My list may hurt feelings, people might feel left out, I did not bring someone just because they are my friend or a loved one. My list represents what I believe to be the best culmination of skills needed to survive and flourish in this harsh new world. Just know this friends, if you are upset that you have not made either mine or anyone else's lists, it might be time for you to go learn some useful skills. Again, not trying to be funny... I am 100% serious. Now to the LIST!

GUYS:

1. Bryan White:

First choice is a no brainer, if he is not on your list you're not going to make it out there very long. I have seen this man go camping and not bring enough food to eat. This is not because he is an idiot, it is because he was so confident in his skills as a fisherman that he felt he didn't need food- he could find his own. This type of confidence and determination is exactly what we need. Also, he is a genius, and the ninja turtles would have been screwed without Donatello, and so would we. Bryan... you're in!

2. Aaron Bensoua:

Bryan may have a ton of ideas, but I need a guy who can think logically and analytically to help come up with truly solid strategic plans. I don't like to jump into anything without thinking it through and neither does Aaron. His cool headed thinking compiled with his physical strength and abilities could go a long way. Not to mention, if anyone slide tackles his ass, he'll kick the crap out of them. I like your passion Benzo... You're in!

3. Matt Janosov:

Though most people know Matt as the upfront leader, he actually has another role that he fills even better. Matt is a one man support system. If you need help with a project or task, look no further than Cotton Candy Head. Matt can lend a hand with almost anything. He would be extremely useful around camp and would make a decent medic. His ability to remain level headed would be invaluable and on a personal note, I need a close friend who always has my back. Matt... You're in!

4. Tyler Hellinga:

What the hell are all you out there thinking not bringing this guy?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO TYLER HELLINGA IS?? He is Mr. Disaster scenario. Tyler would be the ultimate scout, tracker, solider, and partner. He wanted to be a navy seal for years. Tyler is literally the perfect person to bring. We got the brains and the heart, now we're bringing in the heavy artillery. Tyler... of course YOU ARE IN!

5. Marcus Enfiedjian:

and in the final round of the 2011 Apocalypse draft, Tyler Nazarian pulls the ultimate trump card. Every group needs a go-with-the-flow guy who is extremely helpful and useful but never complains. I present to you: Marcus! Yes, he is a perfect fit for the easy going hard worker, but now let me explain his real role. If you saw the movie Troy then you will get this. If you didn't see it, stop reading this, get a Netflix account and start spending your time in a meaningful way, you Loser! Anyway, at the beginning of Troy there are 2 huge armies about to fight, but the kings decide that in order to spare some bloodshed they could just have their best fighters duel it out, last man standing wins. Enter Marcus Enfidejian, the National Champ. He would be our ace in the hole, just in case we ran into some other not so friendly roaming nomads. Marcus- The Champ is IN!

LADIES:
1. Rachel Nazarian:

I know I said in the beginning that this is not about martial commitment and guess what- it still isn't! I married Rachel because she is freaking awesome and of course I want her with me. Not only can she cook, which seems to be the only thing people remember about her sometimes, she is organized and handy. I've worked alongside her in Mexico building houses and we could definitely use her skills. Not to mention, if she is there I know I'm gettin' some (ya know what I'm saying...)!! Rach, Baby... you're in!!

2. Jenna Quan:

I see that most of you have her on your lists. Good job, you're not an idiot. Jenna is amazing and awesome and she has to be there. She is a hard worker who is strong and can carry her own weight. Also she has a very positive attitude about almost everything and is always sincere. This new world doesn't need a bunch of fake people telling you just what you want to hear. Jenna will tell it how it is but always manage to do it with love. Jenna is awesome and every team needs her supportive demeanor. Jenna... You're in!!

3. Danielle Quan:

Yeah, that's right- you were thinking, "Man how can this awesome list get any better?" Well insert another Quan! Danielle is strong and athletic. She has a good heart with a tough exterior. Also she has worked in a physical therapist office for awhile now, so she could help with the inevitable aches and pains we're bound to get. DQ... You're in!

4. Amy Rosinsky:

The last thing any group needs is a power struggle. How do you prevent that? Stop bringing so many people who want to be in power. Sometimes if you have too many Chiefs, you need to bring an Indian (I apologize if you take offense to that statement). Amy is a hard worker who is quite content in that role. She reminds me of Jennifer Grey from Red Dawn (again if you haven't seen it... You Suck). She is soft spoken but has a hidden fiery passion for life. She would make a great worker and fighter if need be. I trust Amy and trust is huge. So Amy... You're IN!

5. Daisy:

Here's the thing, I asked Chelsea if I could trade in some of my girl picks for more guys and she said no. In reality Daisy probably won't be that useful, but honestly not many other chicks would be either. Sorry... well... kind of. I figure that if it's between having a somewhat helpful girl around who is another mouth to feed or having my dog to play with and keep me happy and sane, I choose the dog. Sorry girls, I choose my dog- who can't do much- over all of you. Hahaha Daisy... You're In!

Well that's it. There's my list. If you think you're better suited than any of these, let me know who and I'll consider it. Honestly, a big part of me agrees with Aaron, and wants to create some sort of huge catastrophic global disaster just to try out my list. If you're in, let me know and we'll figure something out.

Oh! And in case you wanna know what I'm going to be doing... I'm leading the team. If you wanna know what qualifies me, here are 5 good reasons...

The Apocalypse- Pt. 3

2011-07-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hey Ya'll, it's time for another edition of: "Who would I take with me in an Apocalypse"! HOORAY! Now you may ask yourself, "But Chelsea we already got a list today and it was amazing." That's true, but as the wise Aaron Bensoua told me this afternoon: we must strike while the iron is hot! So Without further ado, here is the link to Miss Tiffany Janosov's Apocalypse Dream Team.

Again if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and then this!

The Apocalypse pt. 2

2011-07-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well it's Sunday morning so it's time for another edition of: THE APOCALYPSE! If you don't know what that is read THIS! Today's list comes from the brillant mind of Kevin Thomas Cox. He created his list on the bus while we traveled to Forest Home. Although he doesn't write reasons like Aaron did, his list still makes me laugh. The fun part of Kevin's list is that you get to try and figure out why he wants the people he does with him. So without further ado...

The 10 People Kevin want with him during an Apocalypse:

1. Phil Eisenhower

2. Justin Kalama

3. Bret Cogan

4. Nikos Enfiedjian

5. Oliver Severios

6. Colleen Cox

7. Rachel Nazarian

8. Christina Mehrenbod

9. Chelsea Nazarian

10. Ryley Goldsworthy

Kevin's Last Stand...

2011-07-27T12:47:00.001-07:00

i spent last week with the beautiful faces in the above picture. we battled mice in the cabin, played in the lake, learned memory verses, and laughed. in fact we spent most of the week laughing. each night as i lay down to sleep i would go over that day in my mind and i'd smile. there was such joy saturated in each day. it's hardly believable that 24 hours could be so full. and as i think about my students and what they will take away from the week i feel so blessed.

i pray they remember that they are loved. they are loved with a depth and a width that cannot be measured. they are loved by their home church that sent them to camp. they are loved by their parents that made sure they'd packed bug spray and sent care packages. they are loved by their counselors who were willing to let them stay up way past their bedtime. they are loved by the staff at forest home who give up their summers in order to teach them who Jesus is. they are loved by the God of the universe. they are loved by the God who created rivers and mountains. and of course they loved by me. sometimes i think my heart will burst with how much i love them. i love their crazy stories and the wild predicaments they manage to get themselves into. i love their hearts and their sweet smiles.

i know my students will look back on the week we just had and remember these friendships they made. they built dams together and made crafts together. i know they will laugh when they think of how they put war paint on their faces and charged onto the field for games together. those friendships will hold them when the wind is at their back and wolves are howling at the door.

this special group of students will have so many memories of this camp. but the one that i hope they hold onto carefully is what they learned about God. i hope they grasp tightly to the knowledge that there is nothing greater than a relationship with Him. i want them to rest fully, knowing beyond any doubt that with God they can change our world. i know the seeds were planted this week and now i will wait and watch God water them.

forest home changed my life. from the very first summer that Camper Chelsea threw her duffel bag onto a bunk at Indian Village to this last week while Counselor Chelsea made sure all her campers were drinking plenty of water. there's magic in the air. i can only hope that my kiddos will be as changed as i was by those big trees...

The Apocalypse...

2011-07-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Loyal Blog Readers:

Today I have quite the treat for you. I am allowing my friend Aaron Bensoua to be a guest author on my blog. I promise that he will entertain you in ways you never imagined possible. The following post was written 100% by him, I have not edited it in anyway shape or form (even thought here were parts I really wanted to). After reading this masterpiece, if you feel you have response and want it posted here, then email me.

Thanks,

Chelsea

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"The Apocalypse Dream Team"

By: Aaron Bensoua

So Chelsea came to me one day with an idea during one of our Challenge calls- (Yes, I have to interject off the bat and explain. Chelsea and I get together every week and have a full thirty minute phone conversation about MTV's The Challenge, which if you haven't seen it, might be the most riveting reality show that has ever existed. It's the right balance of athletic prowess and drunken debauchery that I can't rip my eyes away from. I also probably shouldn't mention that we handle our own fantasy league as a result from the show. We draft players before the season and assign points for funny things they do. I digress, that's another blog post for another day.)

Back to the matter at hand, an issue of far more importance. Chelsea came to me at the end of one of these chats and posed a great question: If we endured an apocalyptic event, which 10 friends (5 guys and 5 girls) out of our circle of friends would you take with you? It's funny that she asked me, because I ponder this dilemma on an almost daily basis. It's something that I may or may not have given far too much thought.

Remember that part in the movie 2012 where John Cusack---- ah, who am I kidding, none of you've seen 2012. Let's take a better apocalyptic movie: I Am Legend. Now in this movie, it was Will Smith, a dog, and the entire empty city of New York (give or take a few million zombies).

(That dog should have been named Wilson.)

The movie was decent but I can only take so much of one actor, any actor, on screen at a time. (The only movie where this worked was Cast Away- the degree of difficulty for Tom Hanks to pull that off for 2 1/2 hours is remarkable.)

But what if Will (I can call him Will now- we're tight like that) got to choose a select group of friends to stay with him? The interaction certainly would have made that movie much more entertaining, but it also would have introduced a group dynamic which would have greatly impacted his potential survival (It also would have saved us from a wildly illogical ending). The decision on which people to take is crucial. This isn't a list of "Who are my top 10 friends?"-- It's a list of people who bring a certain distinct element to the group.

It's like I'm assembling a basketball team- I can't have everyone be the "gun man." (By the way, in my apocalyptic world, I'm just going to assume there are zombies or some sort of alien race running around- I'm just trying to keep this realistic.) So in that case, I am forced to choose friends, not based on how much I like them, but rather on the question, "What do you bring to the table when we're knee deep in toxic waste, fighting off strange creatures at all hours of the night?" (It's funny how much a post-apocalyptic world sounds like half of the bars in Hermosa on any given Friday night...)

Now ultimately, creating a list like this and putting it on the internet can alienate groups of friends, I know for a fact that certain omissions will complain "WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK ME!?!" To which I'll respond, "BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A SINGLE DISTINGUISHABLE TRADE SKILL, YOU NON-CONTRIBUTING ZERO!" It's going to be a fun song and dance, but needless to say, this list needs to be made. Don't get offended! I still love you all equally. Plus I'm posting this on Chelsea's blog- it's not exactly the Huffington Post.

So, without further ado, here are my Top 10 friends whom I would pick to join me in the Netherworld:

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The Guys-

Bryan White- (aka B-Dub, Chupo, Winglets- If you're ever at the Beatles Revolution lounge in Vegas, bring up the fact that you're familiar with plane winglets, trust me.)

If this assignment were to choose one friend to take with me, I would take B-Dub. Without question. Without hesitation. He would be the MacGuyver of the wastelands; creating slip knots out of electrical wire, inventing some sort of analytical engine to solve tasks- basically doing crap that people like me don't understand and just assume work on their own.

He also has no fear. One time we were in Catalina "fishing" for sanddabs. Now I put fishing in quotes, because I doubt you could even qualify this as fishing. Essentially, you put bait on hooks and simply drop it into the Pacific Ocean until these little bottom-feeding fish swim over, take the bait, and you pull it back up. I exert more energy eating at a sushi bar.

We had been fishing for a while and caught a lot of fish, until one moment, when we caught a baby shark. I jumped back a bit in the boat, while Bryan basically just palmed the shark like John Elway palming a football and pulled the hook out of the shark's mouth before I was done sweating. Dude is nails! I need him with me in my foxhole. It's the easiest way to guarantee my survival.

Phil Eisenhower-

Do you all have that one friend when the first time you look at him, you go, "This guy could be one of two things --Either the lead singer of the band Kansas or a key member of my apocalypse group?" That's Phil!

Now I'll admit, I don't know Phil as well as everyone else in this group, but I feel very confident that I can judge an entire person's demeanor and persona from limited social interaction, their Twitter profile, and Facebook photos. He wouldn't blink in this situation. He would thrive. Phil would be exploring, creating, mapping out the terrain, setting up a new worldwide bartering system based on old VHS cassettes, whatever comes up! As the elder statesman, we would also look to him for guidance. But however....

Phil, unfortunately, you're also going to be the first to die. But you'd go down in a blaze of glory, ala Goose in Top Gun. You're going to be captured on some recon mission by a band of nomadic tribesman. They'll interrogate you, but you'll keep your mouth shut. It'd be all heroic and we'd honor your memory with a yearly celebration of ale and red meat while blasting this song full tilt. Carry on brother! We'll get revenge for you.

Tyler Nazarian-

While most of us would be a little amiss and taken aback with a sudden upheaval into an unknown world, I know for a fact that out of anyone in the group, Tyler would be the most excited. He would also be the the one to comfort everyone's inevitable freakout.

My least favorite part of any apocalypse movie is the 10 minute scene when one person has an emotional breakdown and everyone else has to waste time comforting that person (it's usually the girl in the group, sorry ladies.) I watch those scenes and say to myself, "We're wasting valuable screen time here people! We should be smashing aliens!"

But with Tyler around, that scene doesn't happen. Who is going to have an emotional breakdown when Tyler so clearly lays out every possible scenario and situation needed to survive. This guy has probably seen and analyzed every movie out there describing this type of world. (Actually, scratch that "probably" and put down "Absolutely without a shadow of a doubt"). He's a natural leader and would eventually lead the clan. Let's just say, I'm giving him the conch.

(That reminds me of my biggest complaint with Lord of the Flies, the conch. What a stupid idea that was. I never understood why throughout the entire course of the book another one of the kids never found another conch and claimed superiority-- you're on a beach for heaven's sake, there's a billion of them there! We could have saved Piggy damnit!)

Bret Cogan-

This choice is a slam dunk. Bret brings the single most distinguishable skill out of everyone: The ability to freestyle cook. Now I know what you're thinking- "Wait a minute Aaron, I know how to cook, pick me!"

First of all, no, you don't know how to cook. You know how to follow a recipe. Just because you can cook a successful meal from a recipe doesn't make you a chef. Congrats, you followed step-by-step directions from a piece of paper- you now possess the cognitive skills of a kindergartener. A chef is someone who can create a dish from random ingredients based on their ability to understand how food is supposed to taste and be prepared. Taking your Lean Cuisine out of the freezer and microwaving it just won't cut it.

I'm going to be able to hand Bret a chicken, a half-eaten carrot, and an old boot and have him turn it into Jambalaya. The food situation will be dire here and he'll be incredibly valuable. We'll have to protect him at all costs. We all remember his dessert from the 4th Annual Ryan Weiss Christmas Party. That's not something you just buy from Costco.

(The most concerning thing about the RWCP is that no one won MVP last year-- the winners were so easily defined in years 1-3, but last year, there was no clear-cut champion. Most of us ended up trying to shoe horn Rachel into the crown with a performance not even close to past winners. It's a pretty scary trend guys- we all need to get into the film room, and research where we all went wrong. Someone needs to take the belt in the fifth installment- right now the belt is just floating in exile without a home, like CM Punk and WWE Championship.)

Xander Bertucci-

I vacillated pretty frequently between Xander and Graue for the last slot, but eventually settled on Xander. With Graue, he would absolutely enjoy living in an apocalypse, but would probably enjoy it too much. He would start doing things to make the apocalypse worse, driving the rest of us up the wall. Of course, we'd all look back on the footage and realize it was genius, but in the moment, I'd be chasing Graue around with a machete.

Xander on the other hand would be perfect, He adds just the right blend of sociopathic crazy and intelligence. He is also secretly a fit hiker. If you've ever been backpacking with him, you'd realize that by the time you look up from filling up your Camelbak, he's gone. He marches through terrain like a freakin' mountain goat. I won't have to worry about carrying Xander on my back, because I won't even know where Xander is. But when he returns to base camp in 16 hours, he'll have a handful of wild blueberries and a full caribou with him. Those are the moments when we remember why we love Xandy. Plus he has the ability to rock the sweetest bandana tans ever seen. It's the stuff dreams are made of.

The Girls:

Chelsea Nazarian-

I picked Chelsea because one, it's her idea and two, she wouldn't post this unless I chose her...

Just (somewhat) kidding. I don't know if you all remember the infamous Nazarian "Street Smart-Book Smart" debate of 2010. If you don't, it was pretty much the Lincoln-Douglass Debates of our generation. Basically, Tyler and Chelsea (brother and sister if you didn't know already) were arguing which one of them was book smart and which one of them were street smart.

After some pretty heated back and forth, and wise consultation with their friends (I received a phone call on this subject), the consensus ended up being that Tyler was Street Smart and Chelsea was Book Smart. Both will continue to argue that they are both, but I think the rest of us will agree with what the jury settled on. (Although, if you count comic books, picture books, and volleyball coaching manuals as books, then Tyler is a pretty well-rounded dude, but that is neither here nor there.) That book intelligence is exactly why Chelsea needs to be here. The group I'm assembling has tremendous upside, but they can also be pretty volatile. Without Chelsea, we would either survive or self-destruct within 48 hours. Chelsea needs to be there as the voice of reason- the calm in the storm. The one to say, "Hey Xander, maybe we shouldn't burn through our entire supply of rice because you think you've discovered a better way to solve the moisture issue of your Nikon D90 camera. We don't even need a camera anymore. Stop lighting things on fire!"

Chelsea is also really funny. Not like, "politely giggle and move on" funny, but genuinely funny. She can tell jokes that produce a real guffaw. (I may or may not have just spent 3 minutes researching synonyms for "laughter" before settling on guffaw- it's a great word. I'm bringing it back.) Welcome aboard Chelsea- you're the first girl.

Megan Lynch-

Megan has the perfect combination of sheer athleticism and downright insanity. One moment, she is sweet, normal Megan, and the next, she turns into some creature named Megor and is doing some strange Gollum impression on top of Half Dome (true story). That's the wild card she brings to the group.

Also every group needs a seductress. I know for an absolute fact that our group won't be the only surviving group-- there will be a similar group out there that we'll need to interact and trade with in order to live. When we run into this rag-tag group of kids, I'll try to be diplomatic and work out a deal, and fail. (We've all seen my Diplomacy skills- worst game ever invented) Tyler will suggest rolling in, guns ablazing, and turning their home base into a smoldering crater, and fail. So with our back against the wall, we'll turn to Megan to go in and put some voodoo hex on their leader to make our escape.

How does this work? What do I look like a scientist here!?!?! I don't have all the answers. All I know is that if anyone can pull off this maneuver, it's Megan. I mean, she actually got people to buy clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch when she worked there, so I know that skill is somewhere in her.

"Wait, so you're saying I can have an extra-tight polo shirt, acid-sprayed ripped jeans, and look like a spoiled, douchey East Coast prep kid for ONLY $175?!?!! I'll take two!" How A&F has convinced any portion of the public to buy their clothes is beyond me. We should send them to negotiate all foreign treaties from now on. We could drop them in Jerusalem in the morning, settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in the afternoon, and have both leaders watching lacrosse and dancing to some super loud Tiesto beat by the evening.

Jenna Quan-

I have Jenna playing a very important role in the group: The Eternal Optimist. I don't think I've ever seen Jenna upset over anything. Sometimes I like to challenge myself and see if I could come up with a scenario that would make her crack: "Ok, Jenna, how upset would you be if it was raining on your wedding day, and you've paid for a ride there that you've already taken, after ignoring perfectly good advice, and all the while the song "Ironic" is stuck in your head?"

She would respond-- "That's weird, but whatever, it could be worse." Followed by a giggle, and that would be that. That's the kind of attitude I need! You could present Jenna the most uncomfortable situation possible and she would roll with it. That is such a huge quality, especially when the situation presented is going to be a dank, depressing underworld with a bunch of desperate kids fighting for survival. She'd keep spirits high.

Colleen Cox-

Time to talk about the elephant in the room: Someone has to be the mother of the next generation of children. There I said it. It's important. Humanity's survival depends on our ability to reproduce and reproduce good kids that won't grow up and cause a second apocalypse. (Looking at you Michale Lohan!) So let me give you a list of my friends who are both emotionally and mentally ready for that job:

1. Colleen

That's it. That's the list.

Colleen is the only person I would trust to raise humanities next best hope. Plus Colleen is athletic. Her kids will be one of those hyper-competitive ones that will flip out over anything: a game of nerts (Does nerts exist outside of our group? Is it popular anywhere else? I've never seen anyone else play it, which is a real shame because it's such a fun way to verbally destroy the person you're partnered with because she missed the Ace of Diamonds RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!), tetherball, or even Heads-up 7-up.

I predict this will be an actual quote from her kids after a Heads-up 7-up game, October 2020-- "THAT'S SUCH CRAP! YOU WERE PEEKING AT MY SHOES THROUGH YOUR ARMS! THAT WAS THE MOST STEALTH THUMB-SLAP IN SCHOOL HISTORY AND THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY YOU COULD HAVE PICKED ME! I'M PROTESTING THIS GAME! Teacher, you can't let anyone out of Rainy Day Schedule until this matter is resolved!" -Colleen Jr.

That's what I'm talking about! It's a tough world out there and we'll need people who are mentally strong. (Note- I'm going to give Kevin, her husband, a special voucher to attend this apocalypse just to keep things St. Andrews appropriate cause you know....)

Tina Perkins-

(She's the one on the left...)

I absolutely need Tina here. Mainly for one reason: she's been training a long time for this type of decrepit world for the past few years at ZBT. All those Egyptian soap parties will finally pay off! But no seriously, Tina knows me better than probably anyone and that connection is going to come up huge. I also trust Tina more than any other girl, which may or may not be pretty frightening when you think about it. Actually, wait, that's terrifying....

But Tina has developed food immunities that I know will carry her far. She has spent her entire college career eating food at a place called "Buck Fifties." There is nothing that we could thrown at her that would cause a negative reaction.

(Buck Fifties is a Mexican food shack in Westwood that serves the gnarliest, greasiest delicacies taht you will ever find. It's one of those places that you wonder why it is ever open during hours other than Midnight to 3a.m. But after a night out on the town, nothing sounds better than a 14-inch burrito and dream fries. Of course, the next morning, ANYTHING, sounds better than a 14-inch burrito and dream fries while you're vomiting in the toilet for hours.)

Also I'm fairly certain we won't have access to automobiles there, so Tina will be safe from that one. ...(if any of you claim too soon on this, I would like to introduce you to the Kettle. You are the same people that rolled out the same "I guess she should have gone to rehab" joke on Twitter literally seconds after Amy Winehouse died this weekend. You all have no shame.)

Plus let's be real for a second, Tina's an attractive girl and I need to make sure attractive girls are with us. Otherwise I'd probably start developing strange feelings for people that I shouldn't. Philip, I'm looking at you. We'd have some sort of weird Brokeback Mountain sequel involving space cowboys. No one wants to see that. This is a pick for my sanity.

____________________________________________________________________

So there you have it, that's my list. I'm going to be real- I'm almost tempted to bring about the apocalypse and try this group out. But before we do, in the coming days and weeks, other people are going to roll out their Top 10 lists and post them here: generating a whole 15 more people to Chelsea's blog. Let the great debate begin- at least until the NFL Lockout is over and I can go back to Fantasy Football..

things i've learned from my students (past and present)...

2011-07-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

1. when baking you must always follow the recipe exactly, even if you think you know how to mix cinnamon and sugar accurately.
2. no one says "dreamy" anymore.
3. the best way to get what you want is to offer a bribe.
4. no matter how many times you think you've said it, they still aren't going to turn their medical forms in on time.
5. toms shoes aren't ugly, they're cool and they help people.
6. hiding cupcakes in the ceiling is an effective way to get rats in your office.
7. respect is earned.
8. a story is always better if it is punctuated by "BOOM".
9. the capacity with which a jr. higher has to understand the power of God's love will always, always surprise you.
10. when cooking sausages always remember to wear an apron.
11. snuggling is the best way to show your friends you love them.
12. if a game doesn't have an awesome name it doesn't matter how amazing it is.
13. justin beiber is the best gift God ever gave us (girl point of view).
14. justin beiber is the worst thing to ever happen to us (boy point of view).
15. jake goldsworthy is cooler than me.
16. you are never too old for a bedtime story.
17. never assume everyone's on the bus.
18. flexibility and patience are a youth leader's best friends.
19. everyone needs to know they're special and loved.
20. God is their teacher, i'm just the lucky one who gets to introduce them to God.

writer's block...

2011-06-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

today i am attempting to work on lesson plans for next year. once a week i'll be teaching religion at the school, teaching at youth group, teaching confirmation, and leading a small group. this is an awful lot of chelsea. frankly if i was my students i'd rebel. anyway, in order not to have my head explode i am trying to plan out all those lesson plans. i figure if i'm at least a little organized than maybe it will all come together easier. but i am finding myself with a giant mental block. i just can't seem to wrap my head around what i should be teaching, especially for the small group.

so i tried a few of my standard writer's block solutions. i read for a little while (big mistake, turns out david platt got my head spinning and i'm not sure if i can right it), then i read my bible (uh-oh romans, not the book for righting that head of mine), and then i tried writing in my prayer journal. nothing was doing the trick. so here i am sweet blog, i'm here to upchuck all my thoughts and feelings in a wildly desperate ploy to get my brain jump started.

first i have to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry to God. i'm sorry that i value my possessions and my time and my desires more than i value Him. i'm sorry to my students. i'm sorry that i tell them to give God their whole heart, when i am only willing to give Him part of mine. it's hypocritical and i'm sorry. i'm sorry to my friends and family. i'm sorry that i'm not more willing to be vulnerable and open with you. i'm sorry that each moment of my life doesn't drip with the grace of God. i'm so sorry.

because here's what i remembered today; here's the thing that we have to write in stone on our hearts: this is not the end. this time here is just a vapor. it's just a drop of what's coming. blink and you'll miss it. there's not enough time for us to waste on what we want.

when He called out to drop their nets and follow Him, it was a charge. He was offering them an opportunity to join Him in setting the world on fire. but He was also asking them to drop their nets. drop your livelihood, drop your families, drop your fears and your dreams and everything you ever thought about who you are. drop it. drop it all. and when i was five years old on a mission trip in mexico and i asked God into my heart i was dropping all of it.

i was admitting that i need Him. i was admitting that i'm not enough and that even if i was, He's all i'll really ever need. i was giving Him my forever. so here it is without edit:

God asks for all of me. here are my dreams God: i give you every label i've ever wanted attached to me. i offer you "wife", "mother", "successful", "noticed", "talented", "happy", "comfortable", "safe", and "friend". you can have all of them. i place my simple sacrifice on your alter. instead i pick up the only mantle that has ever mattered: "servant". i am your servant. i am your follower and disciple and that means you get everything. that means even if i live a life here on earth full of loneliness and pain it's worth it. because today is just a piece. my life here is just a teeny tiny piece of forever. and i want all that i am to matter forever.

i want all that i am to radiate who You are. i want every cell in my body to cry out: HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!

love songs...

2011-06-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

so with the wedding mania (one more to go in august and then i'm done for awhile!) i've had the past year-ish i have had the chance to see so many real-life love stories. i've loved that each ceremony has had the unique feel of the couple it's for. i love stories, especially ones about love. although i think my idea of what a truly great love story may be different than most. anyway, i think the best way to tell a story is through music. experiencing all these wedding stories has gotten me to thinking about the best love songs. so, here are my top 20 (in no particular order) love songs. they may surprise you, but i promise they'll delight you! p.s. I think I could have made this list way longer but I tried to keep it concise!

20. On a Night Like This: Dave Barnes
19. Best Days: Graham Colton
18. Just Stay Here Tonight: Augustana
17. You are the Best Thing: Ray LaMontagne
16. Running Back to You: Matt Wertz
15. My Man: Barbara Striesand
14. Gravity: Sara Bareilles
13. Rhythm of Love: Plain White T's
12. I Won't Give Up: Jana Kramer
11. Just the Way You Are: Bruno Mars
10. So Close: Jon McLaughlin
9. Bless the Broken Road: Rascal Flatts
8. Luckiest: Ben Folds
7. The Heart of the Matter: India.Aire (this is a cover, but it's the best version)
6. I want to Hold your Hand: The Beatles
5. I Will Not Take My Love Away: Matt Wertz
4. Feel This: Betheny Joy Galeotti (featuring Enation)
3. For Good: Indina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth
2. I Miss You: Incubus
1. How Sweet It Is: James Taylor

a season for everything...

2011-05-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

in my life i have been sure, without any trace of doubt, that the God of the universe who created glowworms and colors, created me too. i know that i am me and that there isn't anyone else like me. there's only one chelsea. well, ok that's a lie, there are tons of chelsea's, but you know what i mean. for the most part i like that. generally speaking i am proud of the woman i am. i didn't come by her easily.

but i think, as with everyone, there are moments where the chelsea i am just doesn't seem to be enough. there are times when i look at my behavior and i am ashamed. some mornings when i look in the mirror i hate the face i see staring back and if i'm honest, it is a rare morning when i look in the mirror and walk out of my room totally satisfied with everything i saw. just like everyone else i am broken and damaged. as my brother prepares to get married the question i hear more than anything else is: "are you ok?" i think the thought process is that if he's getting married, then i must be freaking out because i'm not. do you want to know a secret? i am a little bit. so the following is what i've been wrestling with, it's honest and raw and not well thought out, so feel free to bail on this post if you want.

growing up i wanted only one thing. i wanted to blend in. i just wanted to be beige. but from my earliest memories i have felt different. my brain never understood math the same way everyone else's did and so i had to work with tutors and go to a special class. my back couldn't stand straight on it's own, so i wore a brace and went to the doctor. i was sure that the girl i was would never be enough. to be honest, i hated me. i spent a lot of time and effort hiding that. but i hated me. i decided at a very young age that i would have to gauge my worth based on how other people valued me. and i placed my confidence in the idea of some man loving me someday.

i've been thinking a lot about that time in my life lately. i have been thinking about the girl i was. she was so scared of herself. she was so easily intimidated. i thought i had put her to rest. i thought that with time and therapy, and mostly with africa that she had disappeared. but i find there are still remnants of her.

when i was in africa i got to touch the face of God. it was these few short months when i never thought of how i looked. i never compared myself to others. i wasn't worried about blending into the background. i was too busy marveling over the tiny fingers and sweet smell of the babies we held. i was consumed with hammering the nails into the right places on the houses we built. i spent my mornings with my bible and my heart open to our Savior. in africa i breathed easy. i'm home now and my life is too full of junk. it's too full of noise. i've been so focused on finishing school, finding a job, finding a husband, making babies, putting money into a retirement fund and the further those goals have seemed the more depressed i've become. but my life won't ever be about those things. my God didn't create me that way.

he made me to be someone who cries every single time she thinks of children around the world who don't have enough to eat. he made me someone with something to say and a voice loud enough to make people listen. God made me a woman who wants to change the world more than she wants to change diapers (and believe me, there are very few things i want as badly as the chance to change diapers). there is a season for everything and hopefully someday i will get my season of marriage and babies. but, if i don't. if that never comes, i'll be ok. in fact i'll be better than ok, because i will settle for nothing less than living my life at the feet of my Jesus.

it isn't easy to write that, because i don't always believe it. but i am finding that in the moments of weakness. in the times when i want to crawl into my bed and never come out, i get two choices. i can either let my fear and sadness overwhelm me or i can snuggle into the arms of my creator and whisper for him to kiss my boo-boo and make it all better.

so those of you who read this, i want you to take two important things away from this blog. #1- i am ok. i have good days and bad days. but mostly i am at peace because i know that whatever happens, i'm strong enough to figure it out and i trust my God enough to live whatever life He has planned for me. #2- don't let your own hurts and fear and insecurities stop you from seeing the miracle that you are. don't let the voice in your head get bigger than God's. trust Him. i promise that there is nothing as sweet as that.

people i love...

2011-05-17T17:18:00.001-07:00

what if there's more 'worse' than 'better'...

2011-04-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

Love is:
being there for someone even when it would be easier to bail, laughing at jokes that aren't really funny, listening, waiting, trusting, hugging, going to see that movie the other person wants to see, having expectations of someone, wanting to see the other person shine as brightly as God created them too- even if that means you're in shadow, moving, staying put, forever, noticing the little things that add up to the big things, believing in someone, so easily lost, facing the hard stuff together, admitting when you're wrong, choosing your battles, speaking up for yourself, speaking up for the other person, a slow dance, a kiss, the sounds of the other person's laughter, a thousand moments that add up to a lifetime, God created, God breathed, God centered, bloody, messy, steady, certain, life-affirming, offered freely

Love isn't:
temporary, a feeling, 'at first sight', convenient, 'all you need', easy, romantic, about being right, going to make you whole, pressure, weak, going to fix anything, a power-play, a Disney movie, easily found, empty, lonely, a flash, in the moonlight or the rain, the last two minutes of a movie, about your body type, something you have to earn, a wish, an unfulfilled hope, going to sweep you away, about losing yourself, small, tasteless, angry, a wedding, a test, sour, about winning, always getting your way, roses, chocolate, candlelit dinners, smooth, vindictive

earnest and honest...

2011-03-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

'earnest' is a word that rolls off my tongue with joy and cartwheels. i love that word. i love how it sounds, i love what it means, and i love that there is an amazing play all about it with more word-play than should be allowed in three acts. 'EARNEST'. i have a harder time with 'honest'. it doesn't flow with the same ease. i've always found that the people in my life who claim to be 'honest' really just use that word as a sheild when they want to be 'obnoxious' or 'intrusive' or 'judgemental'. 'honest' doesn't ignite the same warm glow that 'earnest' does. so why the vocab lesson? well i'll tell you. each week i listen to a podcast of city church in seattle. pastor judah smith is one of the only preachers who grabs and holds my attention for a good hour. his sermons inspire me to draw closer to my Jesus. last week i was listening to him speak about prayer. he was sharing with the church about how through this season of grief they find themselves in, real prayer is so vital. their church has seen three really significant and sudden deaths and they're processing. so he's preaching about prayer- hey i'm a pastor's kid, nothing i haven't heard... or so i thought. as he spoke about coming to God earnestly i found myself in tears. i thought about my prayer life. how it has become a list of "shoulds". i remind myself to pray for my country and my students and my family and my friends and my health and my future. geez, even writing that list it all melts into one blur. when i was sixteen i would spend twenty minutes on just one prayer. whatever was on my heart. i would pray my passion. i didn't feel a knee-jerk reaction to cover my prayer bases. when i was in africa, i didn't spend my quiet times rattling off a list to God. i spent time (sometimes moments, sometimes hours) praying for things earnestly. i would listen to my heart and then i would hand it to God and ask him to make it beat in time with His. then pastor judah began the part of the sermon i don't like hearing. he began speaking the part that convicts me and makes me realize that i am broken and human and in desperate need of my God. he spoke about preaching honestly. honesty. not my strong suit. i have worked diligently to carefully craft the chelsea i want people to see. she is strong and very rarely vulnerable. it used to be the only time i dusted off real chelsea was during my prayer times. but as i look at my journal i see that strong chelsea has been making more of an appearance. even my private prayers are full of exultation that i'm just not sure i feel right now. i'm trying to prove to God and myself that i'm not scared, that i'm no angry, that i'm not hurt, that i'm not lonely. but as pastor judah reminded me: who am i kidding? God knows. He knows before the words are even off my lips. He knows. 'earnest' and i are becoming reacquainted and i am remembering why it was such a beautiful friendship in the first place. 'honest' and i still don't trust each other, but we're working on it. we're working on it.

just for the fun of it...

2011-03-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

lately i've been blogging about many serious and thoughtful things. i've decided to take a break from all of that and instead spend some time telling you all about what i am currently obsessed with. so take notes because these are things you should also be obsessed with...

- Anthropologie: if you are not already in love with this store, you are crazy! not only is it full of amazing treasures, but the way that's decorated is an art form. sometimes i go in there just to wander around and look at the walls. yes, everything in it is totally expensive. but go in anyway and just look- every once and awhile you'll hit a sale item that will change your life.

- THIS HAIRCUT: ok ladies, let me tell you something i think some of you may not know: our hair grows back. this means that you should take chances. cut it a little shorter, color it a new shade of brown- or even something radical, like red. you own your hair, it doesn't own you. which is why i highly encourage changing it up. this is the current haircut i'm rocking. who knows what will come next?!

- Judah Smith: i heard him speak at a conference i was at a few weeks ago and his message was seriously powerful. but i wasn't convinced- speaking as someone who is in ministry- anyone can have a good night. but when i took to youtube and watched some of his other messages i realized he's the real deal. he loves God and he knows how to share that love in a sermon. check it out.

- Hipsters: they fascinate me and i think my friend matt is turning into one.

- Adele's new album- 21: OMG IT IS SO GOOD. ok, now i'm ashamed that i used "OMG" in my blog. but it is so, so good. the songs are poignant and sung so, so sweetly. this woman has major music chops.- Moleskins: so i think i am jumping onto this bandwagon a decade late... BUT i just bought my first moleskin and i am in head-over-heels, crazy, calling-and-hanging-up-when-he-answers in love (uh-oh, maybe i'm turning into a hipster)!! but i love this little journal. i love the rich red color, and how the pages are so soft. i love the little pocket on the back cover, that i still can't figure out what to use for. Moleskins, you are all i ever wanted in a journal.

- Justin Beiber: when my students first started trailing into my office professing their true love of the Beib's, i laughed. it reminded me of my obsession with N'Sync and since no one and nothing can make my heart beat like JC, i figured this kid was just another wannabe. i spent all last year mocking those with the fever. But 2 winter camps+never say never+the grammy's have made a beli-ber out of me.

ok i think this is enough for you to wade through... enjoy falling for these things, i know i have.

long time to wait...

2011-03-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

i have had a lot swirling around in my head the past few weeks. i have been thinking about where my food comes from and what an incredible blessing it is that there is always something on my dinner table. i have been freaking out about turning 27. i have been stressed out of my mind as i try to think about what this summer will look like in programming and spirit. i have been getting excited to add another member to my family and also mourning the loss of our little foursome. so, so much. mostly i have spent so much time thinking about me. which, let's be honest, is what consumes us most of the time.

last week i went to an amazing conference. it was a gift from an incredibly generous family in our congregation. i got four days of sitting and absorbing wisdom from leaders who are older and wiser than me. i listened to andy stanley, christine kane, miles mcpherson, and so many more. it was a much needed week for me. there were three things that stood out to me and i'm going to do my best to express them here, but who knows how that will go.

the first night david platt was our closing speaker. he spoke about being radical. he charged us to live lives that reveal the extreme nature of the Jesus we follow. he reminded us that there is no time to waste. here's a quote from his talk: "we don't have time to play games with our lives. we don't have time to play games in our church. we serve a God who deserves complete devotion. if you're going to follow Him, you must give up everything you have. surely this Savior is worth more than casual church attendance. surely He is worth reckless abandonment!" WOW. i felt goosebumps all over when he said that. i was reminded that my Jesus asked me to pick up my cross and follow him. i want so desperately to let go of everything i'm holding onto and grasp hold of Him.

the second night is where my next two moments of epiphany happened. the first was during the closing speaker's talk. judah smith (who you should youtube, because his sermons are freaking amazing) spoke about what we do while waiting for God to fulfill promises He's given us. he spoke about how we wrestle in the tension of partially fulfilled promises. i realized that i've been spending my life waiting for the fulfillment of that promise. i've been holding my breath and the more purple my face turns- the angrier at God i get. i turn my head to the sky and i yell, "when?! when are you going to recognise that i've waited long enough!" but moses never reached the promised land and abraham never met the promised nation. following my Jesus depends not on what He's promised me. it depends entirely on His goodness, His power, and His calling. So Jesus gets all my days, all my nights, all of my life, all of me.

the last amazing thing that happened, happened during worship one night. they had gungor lead us in worship. i love gungor. here is a band that plays masterfully and writes lyrics that are intense and honest. i closed my eyes and listened as they strung together the drums, piano, guitars, and cello. i let the music wash over me and then it hit me. here are the lyrics to the song they were singing:

"all this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way. i wonder if my life could really change at all. all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found? could a garden come up from this ground at all?

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

all around hope is springing up from this old ground. out of chaos life is being found in you.

you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of the dust. you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of us.

you make me new. you are making me new."

and then it hit me. it hit me like it always does in those moments when i stop thinking about myself and think instead, about my Jesus. i am loved. i am a broken, selfish, ugly thing. but my God, the God who parts seas and raises the dead loves me. and that love- HIS LOVE transforms me into a beautiful thing. i am being made new. my thoughts and fears and desires are slowly, very slowly being made new. it is a great and glorious thing to realize.

veg update #2

2011-02-14T09:53:00.000-08:00

jr. high winter camp (day 4-6):
this had moments of real difficulty but overall i was ok. there was one meal (burgers) that just had chips, buns, and hamburgers. i wanted to punch someone in the face. and then after lunch, after i had eaten some chips and was realizing i had a date with the clubhouse, matt hazelton informed me they had veggie burgers! i'm glad i know that for high school winter camp (this weekend)

days 7-13:
i'm finding that once i'm eating an actual meal, i don't even think about the lack of meat in it. i'm perfectly happy with my veggie version. in fact sometimes i think my veggies version is better than the other choice (seriously, have we thought about what's in a hot dog?). but, the prep and the thinking about what to eat sucks. training my mind to think in new ways is taking longer than i thought it would. also finding resturants that have actual vegetarian options is annoying. but thanks to a few of you (hooray for the klugs!) i am branching out in my meals.

day 14:
today, i am reminded why an experiment like this works. i have wonderful friends and family around me who want to see me suceed. the lovely tiffany janosov is making sure i have a veg-friendly option when i go to her house tonight. my momma made me eggplant parm on friday, just because she's awesome. even just those few of you reading this and sending me messages of encouragement play such a big part in my success. it's been reminding me that God wants us to share our struggles with each other. he wants us to lean on each other. so far this has been the most important lesson i'm learning.

ok, this weekend i leave for high school winter camp. i think this time around will be better- i know what to expect from you forest home!

fasting...

2011-02-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

i remember so distinctly the first time i heard about fasting. i was in fifth or sixth grade and kathy, phil, and oliver were in my living room. they were talking with my dad about fasting. i remember thinking they were insane. why would anyone purposefully not eat? why would they want to deprive themselves? what possible lessons could one get from it? it wasn't until much later that i found answers for those questions.

i think most people have misconceptions about fasting. i know i certainly did. they either give it too much credit or not enough. i know for me, learning to give something up has always been a difficult lesson to learn.

last year when i was running 30 Hour Famine with my jr. highers i had a lot of people express that they didn't think jr. high was an appropriate age to teach about fasting. they said they didn't think kids that young could really understand what they were doing. my initial response to that is introduce me to an adult who really understands what they're doing when it comes to God. but i explain that i think jr. high is an age when you still believe your faith can move mountains and so it's an age that you actually get to see the mountains move. my students work hard at 30 Hour Famine, in a lot of ways they work harder than the older kids and adults who do it with us.

tomorrow we begin our 30 Days of Awareness. this is an idea i got from blake and its brilliant. for the next 30 days (we're a month away from the famine) all students participating in 30 Hour Famine will go through a devotional book, asking them to fast from other things. a day without sarcasm, a week without tv, a day without vanity, etc. this booklet begins to prepare their hearts and minds for 30 Hour Famine.

so, below i am listing the things we'll be fasting. if you want to join us in this exercise we'd love to have you. it's a great way to draw closer to our God and it's also a great way for you to partner with me and my kiddos. if you want the devotional book that comes with this, let me know and I'll email you the file. some of the items may be hard to grasp without the devotional.

- 2/9: fast from comfort (sleep on the floor)
- 2/10: fast from music
- 2/11: fast from choice (let someone else make your choices for you)
- 2/12-2/13: fast from tv
-2/14: fast from vanity (don't use a mirror)
- 2/15: fast from sarcasm
- 2/16-2/18: fast from the internet
- 2/19: fast from excess (leave 5 items at home, i.e. chapstick, jacket, wallet, cell phone, water bottle)
- 2/20: fast from junk (no junk food)
- 2/21-2/22: fast from showers
- 2/23: fast from greed (spend absolutely no money)
- 2/24: fast from warmth (leave your jacket at home)
- 2/25: fast from isolation (visit a neighbor, or spend time with a friend)
- 2/26: fast from credit (take no credit for anything you do today)
- 2/27-3/1: fast from ignorance (research a social justice issue)
- 3/2: fast from sleep
- 3/3: fast from people (spend some one-on-one time with God)
- 3/4-3/6: fast from hurry
- 3/7-3/10: fast from insecurity

veggie update...

2011-02-04T10:25:00.001-08:00

ok- i've got so many blog posts to do that i'm starting to feel a little crazy. coming soon to a website near you are my thoughts on what's going on in Egypt, a life update, the most hilarious youth night i have ever experienced in my life, and a comprehensive list of my must-see movies of 2010. but for now i'm just going to give you a quick update on my vegetarian ways.

day 1-
it was ok. i found it super challenging to find meals that didn't leave me hungry 2 hours later. but after talking with my amazing veggie-sponsor (michelle weiss will rock your socks!) i saw that being a vegetarian is about shifting your world view. i can't just eat salad. that would be crazy. i have to think outside the box. protein? try some peanut butter or lentils. hungry for some chicken parm? try substituting eggplant instead.

day 2-
ok this was where things got weird. i was nauseous all day. i never actually threw up- but my body was acting like it was going through withdrawal symptoms. i was kind of surprised by this because i am in no way a total junk food junkie. i always thought of myself as eating pretty balanced meals, maybe a little carnivore-heavy, but always balanced. that night i watched the oprah where her staff goes vegan for a week and i learned something else: my body was going through withdrawals! this experiment of mine is working like a cleanse and it's giving me a chance to "clean out" and so i will feel a little off for a few days. p.s. even if you love meat and have no interest in veggies you should see this episode. the things i learned were shocking. i didn't walk away from the episode thinking everyone on the planet should give up meat, but i did walk away knowing i will never think about my food in the same way.

day 3-
i went to whole foods and stocked up! i felt satisfied and happy the whole day. i even had a mark special (my favorite pasta ever) just minus the shrimp and i didn't even miss it (much).

day 4-
i'm going to winter camp. i have no idea how this will work at forest home, so i guess you'll just have to stay tuned to find out.

Veg-Head

2011-01-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

in youth group the kiddos and i have been talking about self-discipline. partly because 30 Hour Famine is upon us and partly because its a good conversation to have with teenagers (frankly its a good conversation to have with adults). i've been encouraging my students to find ways in their lives that they can begin to practice this idea. but i think that an important part of leadership is showing your students that the talks you give and the bible lessons you teach, apply to everyone. so i've been looking for a way to practice what i preach.

hence for the month of february i will be a vegitarian. its something i've been wanting to try for awhile. i already love veggies and i find myself having lunch at green temple more often than i like to admit. but i also love me some red meat, chicken, pork, and above all else: FISH! so i have put off my little experiment because i haven't wanted to deny myself. but lately i have been thinking that a little dip in DE-NIAL (haha, get it? DE-NIAL/DE NILE) is good every once and awhile.

check back here for updates on how it's going. tonight is my last meal of delicious meat until march 1st.

every beat...

2011-01-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

the other night i went and saw Blue Valentine. the following is a report of what it did to my heart. i should say there will probably some spoilers, but they shouldn't be major (although don't hold me to that). this is what i knew going into the movie: ryan gosling was in it (WHOO-HOO!), michelle williams was in it (yay for dawson's creek alum!), and it was getting tons of oscar buzz. that's it. that's all i knew. sometimes this is my favorite way to see a movie. my expectations were minimal and i just sat and absorbed the story. the theatre went dark and the music began and i had no idea where we were going (p.s. this is also how i like to drive).

here's the cliff notes version of the plot: the story follows this couple (dean and cindy) over a seemingly ordinary weekend. they're married, they have a little girl, and clearly their lives are void of the color that used to be there. cindy's tired of feeling like the only adult in the house, dean's desperate to get back the affection his wife once offered freely. over the course of the weekend the movie flashes back to how they met. you see them fall in love; you see how they came to get married. the writers and director do an amazing job of making you really root for these two people. as the movie progresses you realize that this ordinary weekend isn't so ordinary. this is the weekend that their marriage is ending. this is the weekend when their lives are falling apart. this is the weekend when their little girl's world is changed forever.

now any of you who have seen a movie with me know that i am a crier. it doesn't take much to get the waterworks started. but this movie didn't just make me cry. as i watched it a weight settled in my heart. dean loved cindy. cindy loved dean. and yet here they were broken. i kept wanting to scream at the screen, "don't give up! work through it! you're not really listening to each other! IT GETS BETTER!" i felt like i had this secret hope that they didn't know about. i think the most devastating part was that the director didn't "hollywood up" the plot. no one cheated. no one was secretly a vampire. they just lived their lives- flawed, imperfect. their love wasn't star-crossed or special for any reason. in the beginning they chose each other. in the end they didn't.

i walked away from Blue Valentine frustrated. i walked away wishing i could rewrite a happy ending. i walked away pretty sure that marriage is the hardest thing on the planet and thinking i may never want to sign up for that marathon (i admit that is probably a slight exaggeration). but i also walked away thinking it was a pretty good depiction of a relationship with God.

we go to camp in jr. high and feel this first blush of love. we accept Jesus into our heart and we are sure that nothing will ever be able to puncture the bubble loving him puts us in. but then we live our life and pain seeps its way into everything. we get busy with school, friends, jobs, kids, tv, whatever. suddenly we aren't listening anymore. slowly we're going through the motions of our relationship. and we try to get it back. we go on retreats or hear a good sermon. we try to feel whatever it was that first brought us to the throne room of Christ. but its hard. its work. HE ISN'T SPEAKING. or maybe we're not listening. either way our attendance on Sunday morning gets more sporadic. our Bible sits by our bed collecting dust. we stop bringing our decisions and our pain and our joy to Him. we take back our life.

when the credits rolled on Blue Valentine i remembered that i'm already in a marriage. i'm in relationship with the God of the universe. i don't want to walk away. i'm never walking away.

where are the flying cars?

2011-01-12T21:05:00.000-08:00

i love january. i think it may be one of my favorite months out of the year. not only is it a fresh start, but it's crisp and cool and fresh. gosh i have such a crush on january. and i've been busy trying to think of a good way to sum up 2010.

here's what i've come up with: the following is a list of 10 songs that defined me in 2010. the songs are ones that had me in tears, singing at the top of my lungs, inspired me to try my hand at greatness. so enjoy them. i hope there's something on here that you haven't heard yet, but more than that i hope that you take time to think about your own year.

2010:

1. divine romance: phil wickham. now we already know about this one because i have written a blog about it. go read it and find out why it made my list.

2. on my own: original song from the boradway show, les miserables. this simple, quiet song is the perfect expression of my dreams. its the story of one girl's dreams. she is walking all by herself, imagining a world where she isn't alone. its haunting and sad and yet really, really beautiful. this line gets me every time: "and i know its only in my mind, that i'm talking to myself and not to him. and although i know that he is blind, still i say there's a way for us. i love him but when the night is over, he is gone- the river's just a river."

3. i didn't know my own strength: whitney houston. when i saw whitney's interview with Oprah, i just was astounded how one person could hold so much pain and not fall over. and when i heard the lyrics of this song i thought that it is the perfect anthem for anyone who has a hurt to deep to stitch together by themselves.

4. beautiful, scandalous night: robby seay band. this is one of those jesus songs that gives me goose bumps. i ended up using it during 30 hour famine communion. it is such a loving lullaby about that night where our precious jesus changed everything. there are moments when i hear it where i swear i can hear the faintest jeers of the crowd. and when i close my eyes i see tears in the eyes of the disciples.

5. forget you: glee cast, featuring gwyenth paltrow. ok, here's a completely shallow, dance around one. i had a hard time narrowing down the gLee music. there could be a list 50 songs deep just of gLee covers. but here's a song i play on repeat more times than i care to admit. i roll down my windows, blast the speakers, and sing at the top of my lungs. yes, i have people staring and sometimes laughing, but i just can't muster up enough shame to care.

6. foux du fafa: flight of the conchords. when the amazing and wonderful matt gebhart first told me about flight of the conchords four years ago, i doubt he could forsee what a creepy fan i'd become. this song delights me not just because of the frenchy-ness, but because of the complete silliness of it all.

7. i'm still standing: elton john. is any music list complete without a little elton? this song hits me on so many glorious levels. it's a perfect dance around my roon song and at the same time you're belting out lyrics that empower you. LOVE IT.

8. i gotta feeling: the black eyed peas. i'm not going to lie to you. the music genius in me is ashamed that this song is on my list. but i can't ignore it's importance this year. i went to a giant number of weddings and it was played at every single one of them. i went to a U2 concert with three of the most important mentors in my life (hollar kusels and barrykins) and the peas opened with this song, with slash. its just too muddled into my year to ignore it.

9. stand up: sugarland. i have a feeling this song is going to creep into 2011, but it just made the cut because i came across it in december. its this powerful plea for us to care more about our world. sometimes i wish life was a musical so it wouldn't be "haul me away" crazy for me to sing passionately to strangers. and when i see horrible news stories or want to strangle the ignorance out of people, this is the song i want to sing them.

10. coming home: diddy dirty money. so p.diddy has changed his name once again. and along with that change he is shaking up hip hop music. this song makes me want to wave my hands in the air. this year the idea of home has been an important theme for me. i like the ideas puff is unwrapping here.

the impact...

2010-12-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

today is world AIDS day. today is the day when the world steps back and thinks about this disease that is wiping out a generation. this illness that has ravished a country that i love so much. it's the day when we think about the children that are without homes and parents, the sisters without brothers, the fathers without sons, the mothers without daughters. well at least it's supposed to be. i'm not sure that many people know about today. so i thought i would share a personal experience that i have and my hope is that as you read it you will see that you can make a difference. my hope is that you will be inspired towards change and that you will use your talents and your strengths to help.

i was fifteen the first time i really heard about AIDS. i had learned about the disease clinically in school before then. but it wasn't until the summer before my sophomore year of high school that i really saw what AIDS was- how it destroyed. i was on a mission trip in mexico. i was working with ywam and one night they showed us a video promoting their mercy ship program. during the presentation they told a story of this young girl. when they mercy ship arrived to her village they found that this five year old had never been held, she was ostracized from her community, she didn't know how to speak. she was totally and utterly alone because her mother had died of AIDS. i remember sitting on my fold-out chair with tears streaming down my face. i watched her little face and wanted to pack my bags and head to africa right then and there.

i think in some circles working in africa is considered to be fashionable. i think there are people who think about africa as a place they can go save or somewhere exotic where they can do some "good". it didn't feel that way for me. at fifteen years old, sitting in mexico, i wanted to go to africa- not because i thought i could help or because i thought it would be cool. watching that little girl, a world away, i realized that africa was where the missing piece of my heart was. the funny thing was i didn't even know the piece was missing till i saw that movie. but there it was: one five minute missions video and my whole life was changed.

it would be three years till my passport would have that very special stamp in it. and in those three years of waiting i remember that i gobbled up every piece of information i could get on AIDS. i cried through documentaries and wanted to throw up when i read about the stigma and assumptions made about those suffering. once i was in south africa i couldn't wait to do something. i remember wishing i had the gifts to find a cure. but when i walked into my first AIDS hospital and saw the beds shoved together and the patients- alone, hurting, a whisper of who they once were, i knew that there was nothing i could do.

so i just settled into the skin that God gave me and i sat down next to the first cot. i reached my hand out and held onto a stranger. i asked for his name and his story. i held a straw while he tried to drink. i cried as i watched him sleep. i just spent the day there.

i want to make something really clear: i didn't do anything. i am sure that man died. i am sure it was painful and scary and horrible. i'm positive he was alone. when i sat with him for that afternoon it didn't change that. and for a long time that day was counted among my most painful. for years after i would think of that day and just burst into utterly helpless tears. but as i have thought about it, i realized something important: i was making that day about me. i was thinking about how his death affected me, how watching his suffering made me feel. but that day wasn't about me.

AIDS is a big, scary disease. there is no cure. when you see it up close you see how it robs people of their life. even in a country where medicine is affordable and in supply AIDS sets your schedule and it dictates your freedom. there is nothing we can do until a cure is found. and even when that day comes it won't erase all the pain and devastation that came before it. but that doesn't mean you can't help. instead of making it about you- what you can give or how big the problem seems to you- just breathe. spend some time in prayer. come to our Father and ask Him what your role should and can be. love someone. love someone who has lost a family member or a friend. love someone who is currently dealing with AIDS. just be who God made you to be, that is more than enough.

turkey day...

2010-11-30T11:26:00.001-08:00

This year for thanksgiving i cooked. it was so much fun and i must say my family was amazing. they let me run rampent in that kitchen. they were helpful and most of them (cough*cough tyler cough*cough) were able to sense when i needed a little space to focus.

there was a big difference in our holiday this year, though. this is the first major holiday we've had since tyler and rachel got engaged. the night before thanksgiving day i was sitting at my kitchen table with rachel and we were pouring over a new cookbook i have called sauces (more updates in the future about this book. it is amazing!). as we talked about the food i was struck by how grown up that moment was. when i was little i remember watching my mom and my aunt lisa do the same thing together. it seemed to me that sister-in-laws were the best. you always have a buddy but you don't have to share a room or clothes. and here i was with my very own. rachel is the best blessing and she is one of the things i'm most thankful for.

here's some pictures of the food. you'll notice that there aren't very many. it was hard to be the photographer and still make sure the food came out.

long time no blog...

2010-11-22T18:14:00.000-08:00

i have been avoiding my blog. to be honest i have been avoiding my life (well, aspects of my life). recently i was visited my an old and cherished friend and he (as old and cherished friends often do) called me out on some of my... hmmm... i have no good word for this. let's use "habits". we sat at my kitchen table and he spoke with me about my natural inclination toward hiding and distrust. he talked (i cried) as he pried into what makes me so closed off. at the end of the conversation i just sort of wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.

there are a lot of people in my life who would consider themselves to be close friends of mine. but if i'm being really, painfully honest i would say that i don't trust many of them. i don't say that to be rude. i say it as an example of how easy it is for me to play a part. and i'd love to blame that on the pastor kid thing, but i just don't think that's the truth. my whole life i've felt like if i show who i really am then people will leave. people won't love. people will hurt. so i hold it all inside. thusly (i just love the use of "thusly" here) i've been avoiding my blog because for whatever reason i find myself totally able to be completely myself here.

but something has been happening this week: i'm not exactly sure what it is. i'm still the same uncertain, insecure, worry-wart of a girl that i've always been. but somewhere along the line this week i started to think that maybe, just maybe i don't have to be.

i've been reading brennan manning's book: the ragamuffin gospel and he writes something that just begs to be repeated:

"think about this with me. your Father God loves you as you are, not as you should be. He loves you beyond fidelity and infidelity, beyond worthiness and unworthiness. He loves you in the morning sun and the evening rain. He loves you equally in your state of grace and in your state of disgrace. He loves you withouth caution, regret, boundary, limit, breaking point. no matter what happens or what you do... He can't stop loving you!!"

When I read that I thought: "what if you believed that Chelsea? what if you trusted that no matter what happens God loved you?" it would change everything. what if we really truly believed that there was no where we could run from the love of our Father? and here's an even crazier thought...

WHAT IF WE LOVED OTHERS THAT WAY? wouldn't everything change if we loved ourselves less and others more. and i'm not just talking about the people we already love. i'm not counting our mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters or husbands or children. what if i loved a stranger or an enemy the way that Christ loves me?

right now it's just a jumble of thoughts. right now it's just a baby step; a whisper in the back of my head. but i think as i work so hard to be someone who is worthy of love i am finally beginning to get it. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

some love from martha...

2010-11-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

so my posts have been of the serious nature lately and i thought i'd change it up, just for fun. one of my favorite things i do with the youth group kiddos is cookie points. whenever they do something sweet or make me laugh or are helpful i give them cookie points. when they reach 100 cookie points i hand them martha stewart's cookie cookbook and let them choose the ones they'd like. cookie points not only keep the chaos to a dull roar but they also force me to attempt recipes i'd never go near (ask me about the disaster that was making fortune cookies). i thought i'd share a recent recipe with you. it was pretty simple and ricky loved his cookies so slam dunk!

Vanilla Malted Cookies

ingreidents

- 2 3/4 c flour

- 3/4 c plain malted milk powder

- 1 tsp baking powder

- 3/4 tsp salt

- 2 sticks (1 c) unsalted butter at room temp

- 3 ounces cream cheese at room temp

- 1 c sugar
- 1 vanilla bean, split and seeds scraped

- 1 egg

- 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

1. preheat the oven and mix the dry ingridents together.

2. Cream butter and cream cheese. Then add sugar, vanilla, vanilla bean, and egg. Slowly add in the dry ingriedents a bit at a time.

3. Transfer dough to a pastry bag (or you can use a gallon ziploc and snip the end of it) fitted with a large star tip. Pipe 2 1/2 inch stips on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.

4. Bake until edges are golden brown (for me this was about 7 min). Transfer to wire racks to cool and enjoy!

a soft place to land...

2010-10-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

the following post is some things i've been feeling for the last few weeks. it is not meant to spark a political, religious, or social debate. it is not meant to express a definitive school of thought. it is not here so that my readers and/or i can win an argument. if you have a problem with any of that this is not a post you should read.

i'm sure so many of you have heard about the recent teen suicides. by now celebrities and news outlets and newspapers have covered it almost too completely. so maybe you've heard the debate about what part bullying played in these suicides. maybe you've participated in the discussion about homosexuality or maybe you have thought about what conversations you could have with your kids or friends or teachers to help.

i didn't. i didn't have very many conversations. i didn't watch all the coverage. mostly, i spent last week crying. as someone who works closely with teens these stories devastated me. as someone who was bullied these stories haunt me. but mostly as someone who knows her Jesus is big enough to heal any wound these stories make me sad for the hope that could have been.

here's what i think: i think we hate too much. i think as a society we say, "you're too short. too fat. too stupid to belong." i think we look to rip apart that which makes us different. i think that we all feel broken and less than so when we have a chance to hide that pain and fling it on someone else we jump at it.

my whole life i have felt worthless. maybe that surprises some of you. i do a pretty good job of hiding how i really feel. since the 4th grade i have felt fat and ugly and unlovable. when i was growing up i heard a lot of grown ups say "it gets better" or "being a teenager isn't the end of the world you think it is". but those sentiments didn't hold me when i was in my room doing my best to fight the loneliness that was creeping its way into my heart. i was utterly convinced that because of how i looked and who i was i would never be loved or wanted. and more or less i've battled those thoughts since i was 10.

so when i heard about these kids who had flung themselves off bridges or hung themselves because of their own loneliness i just cried. if not for a handful of very important people and the grace of my God those stories could be mine. and i've thinking all week trying to figure out what i want to say about this. so here it is. it's not super profound but it comes from the very depth of who i am and it is as genuine and naked as i know how to be.

you are loved. you, who are reading this post. you are loved and you do not walk through this world alone. whether you believe me or not the God of the universe, the one who thought up the ocean and whispered the stars into being loves you. and His love is steady- lean into it. His love saved me when no one else and nothing else could. he takes you, gay or straight, black or white, fat or thin. he accepts you in all your varying states of brokenness. he holds you. he loves you. but just in case that feels a little too far away, i want you to know something else: i love you too. my heart may not be as big as His, but it is big enough for you. if you are reading this and you need a soft place to land here it is. if you need someone to talk to, here i am. you are valued and worthy and loved. that's all. pretty simple.

way beyond singing in the shower...

2010-09-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

my parents think i have a problem and that problem has only one name: gLee! this past year it is my biggest obsession. this show speaks to so many parts of me: drama queen chelsea, theatre freak chelsea, lonely chelsea, happy chelsea, rock star chelsea, comedian chelsea. all the parts of me are happy.

and yes, sometimes its cheesy and the plots are often pretty predictable. but i think there's something to be said for a show that just makes you smile. when i watch gLee it's this small space in my life when i get to shut off all the noise in my head. i just enjoy it.

maybe this little bit of information is obvious... but... ever since i was 9 years old and the billon family took me to see beauty and the beast at the pantageous i have wanted to perform on stage. i see myself belting out songs from wicked all covered in green make-up. i can hear the laughter as i take my turn in barefoot in the park. broadway and i were meant to be together. it's just the way it always should have been. i never made it. well, i guess if we're being really honest i never tried to make it and that's it's own post. but for that 45 minutes when i watch gLee i feel like i'm there. i feel like ryan murphy had a secret window into my heart and made a show just for me.

if you don't watch gLee watch this and try not to smile. i dare you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k40iccZFWfw

The Final Book of THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY

2010-08-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT

ok i hope you were adequately warned. i'm not exactly sure where to start the process of unraveling my thoughts about this book. and so, i am going to begin with the basics.

Mockingjay was in my opinion the darkest book of the trilogy. it was technically written with the most focus and cohesion. it was amazing. i finished it in four hours. i told myself i wouldn't start it until the weekend when i knew i had time to go to the beach and lay in the sun and soak it in. HA! i couldn't fall asleep the day it came because i knew it was out on my kitchen table. so around 12pm i finally crawled out of bed and just gave into temptation. i'm sooooo glad that katniss didn't end up with stupid gale because i have hated his character from the beginning and he didn't grow on me in this book either. i cried when prim died, but not as hard as i had cried in book 2 when cinna died.

ok let's get into the real meat of this book...

suzanne collins writes of war and desperation and hopeless choices as if she has lived them. she reminds me of tim o'brien who's stories of vietnam always left me feeling enraged and full of sorrow and wanting to do something, anything to change our world. there is a moment on page 369 that i want to write about. the capitol has fallen and the new president has called a meeting with the only remaining hunger games champions to propose an idea...

"... 'What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power.'

All seven of us turn to her. 'What?' says Johanna.

'We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children,' says Coin...

'I vote no with Peeta,' Annie says. 'So would Finnick if he were here.'

'But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him,' Johanna reminds her.

'No,' says Beetee. 'It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point unity is essential for our survival. No.'

Was it like this then? Seventy-five years or so ago? Did a group of people sit around and cast their votes on initiating the Hunger Games? Was there dissent? Did someone make a case for mercy that was beaten down by the calls for the deaths of the districts' children? The scent of Snow's rose curls up in my nose, down into my throat, squeezing it tight with despair. All those people I loved, dead, and we are discussing the next Hunger Games in an attempt to avoid wasting life. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now."

Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change now. those words have been haunting me since i read them. because when i think about the Lord, when i think of my Jesus who changed everything with one act of selflessness i know that every thing's changed. and if we are created in his image than i know that if we all tried to live our lives with grace and compassion and mercy than we could really change things.

we live in a world that teaches us life is complicated. war is about freedom and money and resources and power. and our government is empowering and oppressive and hopeless and exciting. there's so many grey areas. there's so many things to think about. and i know that no matter how badly i want to, there are aspects of our world set in stone. there are things that we can never change. but there's this fire in me to try.

we are searching for something that is right in front of us. LOVE GOD AND LOVE OTHERS. that means forgive even when you are owed righteous anger. it means give when you want to get. it means swallow your pride and your own needs and hold your hand out to someone who needs it. it means letting go of cynicism and embracing naivety.

as i was reading about this world that collins created i realized that this isn't a far off fantasy. this isn't a world we will never see. this is basically the world we live in now. true we're not quite to the point of watching children murder each other for food on national television. but honestly, i don't think we're as far from it as we'd like to believe. we live in a world full of taking and consuming and waste. and i live here too. i buy my toms shoes and feel good that a child somewhere in africa is getting their own pair. but i walk by the homeless man that sits in front of my apartment building who has no shoes. i feel superior because i live in a country that has running water and education available to all. i am prideful. i am weak. i love reality tv. and i think that so often when i feel prompted to do something about this darkness i feel in my life i'm quick to find "balance". i say to myself, "there's nothing wrong with the blessings God has given me. i shouldn't feel bad because i'm warm and well fed."

why shouldn't i? if i've learned anything from Jesus it's that he wasn't about balance. he asked his disciples to leave behind families. he told the rich young man to give up everything. he even took a small boy's loaves and fishes to feed the masses.

i guess at the end of this book i realized a couple things. one, i'm tired of the middle ground. two, i want to be radical and brave and i want to die knowing that i gave every ounce of myself to the Lord. i am one voice. i am one set of hands and one pair of feet. i'm one heart. and i'm ready to go. if you want to join me there's more than enough room.

the best part of my job...

2010-08-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

i spent all last week at camp. the jr. highers and i trekked our way to forest home and we spent five glorious days hiking, swimming, crafting (yes, i'm using the term "crafting"), and just enjoying God's beautiful creation.

a lot of work goes into sending kiddos to camp. there's filling the spots, paperwork, medical forms, packing lists, finding drivers, and all sorts of other headaches. and sometimes i get caught up in doing those important tasks. the day before we left i wanted so badly to crawl under my bed and not come out. i thought, "seriously? could anything else go wrong? is camp really worth all this?"

as usual God reminded me that its always worth it. i watched my kiddos last week as they loved each other. i watched them open their hearts to God. I was lucky enough to lead one of our girlies to Christ. I was blessed to watch our kids wash each other's feet. we threw our hands in the air and sang at the top of our voices. we walked with God. of course it took a week away for me to remember the best part of my job: i get to help students fall in love with God. i get to show them the reason i get out of bed in the morning. i get to walk with them as they discover the amazing call God has for them. it's a joy. it's a privilage. so enjoy these pictures of my beautiful students from camp. it was a great week.

The Hunger Games...

2010-07-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

last week one of my students suggested i read this book called: the hunger games. its the first in a series of three. the following is what's been floating around in my head since i read the first two (3rd one comes out on july 25th and i personally can't wait).

WARNING*SPOILERS AHEAD*

at some point in the future what used to be north america has split into 12 districts. the districts live in varying degrees of poverty. and they all wait anxiously for the annual "hunger games". there used to be 13 districts but then district 13 tried to revolt against the capitol because they were tired of living stripped of their freedom. to remind the rest of the districts what happens when someone tries to start a revolution the capitol came up with the games. each year, each district is forced to send 2 tributes to the capitol: one boy and one girl between the ages of 12 and 18. there they will compete in a battle to the death with the other tributes. the winner, wins food for their district.

this story grabbed me right from the beginning. i'm not going to go into the obvious reasons i loved this book. of course there was great plot, good characters and a love triangle that shows twilight for the soul sucker that it is. but that's just the frosting. i want to express here what grabbed my heart about this book. but bear with me because i'm not sure i quite know how to explain it.

there was this emotion that was bubbling under the surface but i couldn't name it until i was halfway through the second book: catching fire; ANGER. real, strong, surprising anger.

i've spent most of my life living in a world that lets me read what i want to read, or watch what i want to watch. i'm allowed to say what i want to. there's no one forcing me to marry or holding me back from being anything i want to be. and on an even more basic level there's always more than enough food on my table and a warm bed to climb into at night. this book created a world where those things don't exist. it spun a society where 12 year olds are turned into killers, fighting for the chance to feed their families. and even though its fiction, even though we read it and exclaim, "how awful, that would never happen here!" its happening somewhere.

i've seen enough of this planet we live on to know that not everyone lives as comfortably as i do. i've seen what real hunger looks like. i've smelled the desperation one has when trying to feed their families. i walked with women who were beaten down and trodden on. i've spoken with people who genuinely fear for their lives while they pray or sing or read. it happens. it is happening.

and what am i doing about it? the more i pages i read of this story the more i was reminded of this warrior that lives in me. this woman who would travel any distance and give up anything to love. but the warrior's been asleep for years now. i send money to causes i care about and am satisfied with my contribution. but that's not really fighting anything. it makes a dent, it helps, but it isn't a fight. it doesn't cost me anything.

i'm tired of reading about bombings and disease and racism and persecution and ignorance. i'm tired of watching teenagers on mtv complain about their sweet 16 party while teenagers in the congo are fighting for their lives. i don't want to trivialize hunger. i don't want to underestimate fear. i believe that the God who knit me together in my mother's womb knit together everyone else too. i believe that the inheritance that awaits me can be yours. i believe that my skin color, the country stamped on the front of my passport, the amount of money i have in my bank account don't mean that i'm better than anyone else. i want to show my children's children that i helped carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. because someone's got to carry it and i think the burden is lighter when we share.

the hunger games made me hungry. it made me hungry for change, for possibility. it made me hungry to see us treat each other with respect. i've got a few ideas about how to make that happen permeating around in my brain. i'll let you know when something concrete hits.

filling out the picture...

2010-06-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

it was 2003 when i first became rachel thom's leader. she was in the very first small group i ever led and she was my very first "special project". which basically just means that she stole my heart from the beginning. rachel was stubborn, loud, silly, compassionate, sensitive, creative, and tenacious. so really its a wonder that she wasn't everybody's "special project".

In 2009 my family looked like this:

and although this family picture is amazing and has some of the best people in it. it's missing something... i think it's missing this face:

my brother agrees because last weekend he proposed and i couldn't be more thrilled. i'm finally getting to add to that picture. and in adding to family i think its important to have someone who loves God, someone who is courageous and smart and funny. i think you have to have someone who loves to play and doesn't mind getting their hands dirty. so it's lucky we get rachel, because she is all that and more.

daddy fix it...

2010-06-14T13:37:00.001-07:00

when we're children nothing seems too impossible for mom and dad. as children we trust completely that every broken toy can be mended. we believe that a lost blankey will be found. and perhaps the phrase uttered the most is: 'fix it'. i'm not sure at what point i stopped saying that. but somewhere along the line my problems seemed too big for my mom and dad. as i grew up i didn't want them to know that i'd broken something or lost something.

for example my sophmore year of high school, the big trend was adias shoes. but not the regular black with white stripes. no, if you were really cool you had white ones and some sort of colored stripe. that's right baby! i remember begging and pleading to get a pair. i finally, finally wore mom down and she took me to the mall. i found the perfect pair. they were crisply white with berry colored stripes. no one i knew had berry and i was sure i'd be the envy of my class. monday morning i showed up with my new kicks, feeling good. when gym came i changed in the locker room and then left my shoes on the bench in front of my gym locker. i used to do that with my old sneakers every day and it was never a problem. but when i came back to change after gym my shoes were gone. i was devestated. but i never told a single person. i didn't want my mom to know that i'd left my shoes out.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. this is what i do with God. when i was in YWAM i didn't think there was a single problem on the planet God couldn't fix. and even if i was embarassed to admit something, i didn't let that stop me from falling at his feet. i wanted Christ more than i wanted to be right. I wanted Christ more than I wanted self respect or pride or hurt or whatever. but somewhere along the line I've stopped saying, "fix it".

so today i'm trying to remember something important. today i'm trying to remember that my Abba can do big things. He can part the seas and move mountains and raise the dead. i'm not going to stop myself from reaching out for His help. He's big enough to fix it.

the pull...

2010-05-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

one of my students asked me the other day why i care so much. she said something along the lines of: "chels you know you cry a lot, right? don't you think things would just be much easier if you didn't care quite so much? it probably would hurt a lot less when people disappointed you, if you didn't have any expectations for them."

now i firmly believe that a huge reason she was saying this was that we were in the middle of a discussion regarding my expectations for HER. so, probably if she wasn't getting a patented "chelsea-lecture" she wouldn't have said anything at all. but her point was well taken. she's right. so i started thinking about it. here's what i came up with:

i believe that God has created each of us in His image. i know that's a term that gets thrown around a lot, so let me tell you what i think it means. i think when God was busy painting the stars He was thinking about me. He was molding canyons and designing mocking birds. and He was also dreaming up His little girl: Chelsea Lee. Because God loves us so much, He wants to express that. in each of us He gives differently. if you read my blog then inevitably you've come across a post or two about the people i love and why i love them. i think those qualities are direct expressions of God's love for us.

when God was busy contemplating my qualities i think He knew He'd have to temper my pride, He'd need something that softened my tongue, and of course He knew that someday i would be hampered by my fear. So as He thought of those things, He came up with something to help pull me closer to Him and His will: my heart. God created me to love fiercely. its true that i care too much. and that caring often leads to heartbreak. when i think of the babies that i left in africa- i'm shattered. when i remember my friends who no longer walk with God i know i'm not whole. when i see someone broken and hurting and alone, all i want to do is hold them. i read the paper or see the news and i just want to get a giant microphone and scream, "stop hurting each other! stop competing and arguing. stop trying to put yourself first at someone's else's expense!"

all of those hurts are painful. my heart beats wildly for God's people and that means there are so many times when i feel let down. i know that my tears and my screams and my prayers are never enough, they will never be enough.

but if i'm honest (and i'm always honest on this blog) then i must say, i wouldn't have it any other way. i love to love. i love to know that when i am at my best my heart beats in time with God's. and that is an intimacy like no other.

here's what i've been up to lately...

2010-05-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

who told you, you were naked?

2010-05-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

REWIND video: Adam- Be Loved and Be Sick

watch this today!

creative juices...

2010-04-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

during my time as an English major there were moments when we were asked to complete a "SreamofConciousness" writing. this was designed to help us clear out all the goop getting in the way of the creative process. and sometimes it managed to bring about a tidbit that would turn into a great story or character name or poem or something... well today i find myself unable to focus. my brain's all goopey. so i thought i'd try a SOC writing here. maybe it'll clear me out. the following is just what comes out for the next 20 minutes:

my brain hurts. i don't have a headache, more like an explosion. i think i store too much up there. trying, always trying to categorize and plan and hide and be strong. sometimes i think the greatest thing in the world would be to stand on a table in front of all my friends and family and just start revealing all the stuff i try so hard to hide. it would be glorious and at the same time the most horrible moment of my life. i wonder who would still love me after that? i wonder what people think about me. i mean obviously i can guess some of it. but i want to know what they really think. i want to know if they're as hard on me as i am. oh! you know what else i want? grapes. i want grapes so freaking bad right now. i really should remember to bring the lunch i pack when i go to work. i miss jr. year of college. it was so fun to walk back from class and have lunch with the girls. i think family dinners were the best then. i loved how before we moved into that old house we spent tons of time making plans for it and then we never followed through with any of those. brey and nicole were going to plant a garden in our backyard and patrick and i wanted to paint. we even went as far as to get paint chips. but we just left that old house as gross and falling down as it was when we got there. its so ironic to me that that's the place where our heat went out and shan and tracy had that invasion of ants and we had no dishwasher or even really a couch. but that was the place where i laughed the most and felt the safest and the most loved. that was a house that was full of purpose and joy and adventure. we just felt free to really LIVE there. and we didn't try so hard to hide. like when we got in a snowball fight with the guy's house and they were better at making snowballs so we started throwing old newspapers at them. i am literally laughing out loud right now. my toes are cold. i wonder if any kiddos are gonna show up to high school group tonight. i'm torn between wanting them to come and wanting to get some real catch up time with dylan. dylan's amazing. the absolute best. now i'm concerned the people that read my blog are going to think dylan's a boy and that i'm in love with 'him'. dylan's a girl. and i'm not in love with her- just for the record. do you think people realize the promises their making to God when they sing worship songs? i need to respond to haley ballast's blog post from yesterday. i have lots and lots of thoughts. ok my 20 minutes is almost over. which is good because i'm not really sure what else i want to write.... uh... i love Glee.

letting go...

2010-04-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

once upon a time there lived a princess...

this is a great way to start a story, but i think its also a great way to massively screw with one's mind. i know, i know i'm not the first person to comment on how fairy tales teach girls all sorts of anti-feminist things. and perhaps what i'm about to say isn't an original thought... but it is a thought i've been having so bear with me.

in a fairy tale there's always a happy ending. a street urchin becomes a sultan, a frog turns into a prince, hansel and gretel find their way home. in the end all of the dragons fought and witches battled are worth it. but that's not real life. something God has been teaching me for the last few years is that sometimes the hard stuff is just hard. there isn't always a happy ending.

the past couple of weeks i have been praying about my future. i have been asking God a lot of "why's" and "when's". my whole life i have wanted only 3 things: 1. to be a wife, 2. to be a mom, and 3. to glorify God. that's it. that's all i want. and i would cut off my arm to get those things. i always assumed that God would want me to have those things too. I mean, they're not bad, right? those are awesome and wonderful things to want. but a couple weeks ago i was reading about Joesph; sold into slavery by his brothers, blamed for all sorts of things he didn't do, thrown in jail, forgotten, left, alone. and i think i naturally jump to the end of that story. i say to myself, "well yeah, but look where he ended up." but what if joesph only wanted 3 things? what if he just wanted to grow old with his family, what if he just wanted to be with his dad and his brothers and be accepted?

God had another plan for joesph. in fact so many of the great men and women of faith had to face other plans. this subject rips up my insides. i may seem so calm and well thought out while i write this, but trust me i'm not. the idea of saying, "God you are enough" terrifies me. but as i watch people in my life who say that i am inspired that maybe i can too. and i guess, if i'm honest the idea of never being a wife or never being a mom isn't as scary as the idea of not living a life that worships my Lord.

this is what's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, i share it with you because... well, it's part of my process. feel free to give me feedback and i leave you with the question i hope to be able to answer someday with my whole being:

do i love God more than i love the happily ever after i've dreamed up?

just some fun...

2010-04-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

i have some recomendations for those of you that value my opinion... for the rest of you, feel free to ignore this:

top 3 books i've read in the last month:
1. the hiding place- by corrie ten boom
2. when i don't desire god- by john piper
3. harry botter 7- by jk rowling (this was a re-read but still totally amazing)

best movie i've seen in the last month:
1. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (if you don't go see this movie you are going to die with regret)

top 5 songs that have been played OVER AND OVER in my car this month:
1. jolene- by dolly parton
2. open my eyes- by brandon heath
3. lean on me- cover by sheryl crow, kid rock, and keith urban
4. i didn't know my own strength- by whitney houston
5. heat- by asia

4 shows i'd cancel anything on anyone's tivo to make sure i got:
1. glee
2. ugly betty (but the sad news here is the last episode is airing on thurs, that doesn't mean you can't watch old episodes though)
3. in plain sight
4. the real housewives of new york (don't judge me)

1 website that is changing my life:
1. http://www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com/

life update...

2010-04-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

here's what's going on with chelsea lee:

1. she's offically started paying on her student loans this month (groan!).
2. her youth group is going wonderfully although she really needs some boy volunteers (prayer please)!
3. she's been meeting about twice a month with colleen and that time has been full of tears, laughter, and good food.
4. her survivor fantasy team is down to 2 players (uh-oh).
5. she loves her actual apartment, but hates the building and her landlord and since she's now in a month-month situation if she finds something better she's going for it.
6. she joined twitter and goes back and forth between hating herself and making herself laugh.
7. she's pretty convinced that cupid spiked redondo's water supply because everybody and their brother is getting married; except her (sigh).
8. her friend tyler is moving soon and she's pretty bummed to be losing her bestie.
9. she put together a mirror and used a screwdriver and everything all by herself.
and the biggest news...
10. she's started writing a book and is looking for a friend or two to volunteer to be her unofffical editors and promise to be brutually honest.

30 Hour Famine...

2010-03-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

when i began the process of preparing my church for '30 Hour Famine' i was consumed with "doing". there were literally 161 items on my '30 Hour Famine' TO DO list. over 3 months i was busy, busy, busy. and yes, there were moments when i stopped to think about the impact we could have or the ways that God could speak to us. but if i'm honest i very rarely thought about those things.

so friday, march 26th rolled around and i began fasting. i had talked the with students about fasting a lot. we'd talked about how it was a way we could find more intimacy with Christ. we'd had conversation after conversation about how God can be made strong in our weakness. but most of friday passed and i found myself simply 'not eating' and not really 'fasting'. then 6pm came. and in walked some of these faces:

they came hungry. they came energetic. they came armed with stories of how food had tempted them throughout the day but they stood strong. and a little piece of me began to remember why "30 Hour Famine" is powerful.

throughout friday night we played games and watched movies. as a leader i had planned a schedule that i hoped would inspire just as much as it instructed. i wanted the students to know uganda. short of actually going, i wanted them to be able to taste it. so i showed them some short films that invisible children produced. they were powerful stories. the students got caught up in them. after the games and videos we moved on to our craft. this is what the jr. highers have titled "tommy's blankey". they each decorated a quilt square and we're sending the quilt to the orphanage that jeff and amy got tommy from. the things the kids wrote were so beautiful and simply sweet. my favorite one was: "you live here (a picture of africa). i live here (a picture of the us). God loves us both (a picture of a heart)."

by the time saturday rolled around i was exhausted. my tummy ached, my head ached, and my energy level was definately way down. i walked into the church in the morning ready for "30 Hour Famine" to be over. and then the students started arriving. i could hear them talking with each other as i set some stuff up. here's a paraphrase of one of those conversations:

Ben- I am starving!

Dillon- No Ben, you aren't. The kids in Uganda are.

Ben- You know what I mean.

Dillon- Yeah, I know what you mean, but I don't think we should say we're starving anymore.

Ben- Yeah, maybe you're right. Hey, do you think this money is really gonna help any kids?

Dillon- I dunno. Maybe.

Ben- You know what would really help them?

Dillon- No, what?

Ben- If we went to Uganda and taught them to skate.

Dillon- Dude! Totally, let's do it.

Ben- Think Chelsea would take us?

Dillon- As long as it's ok with our moms why not? But we probably need a lot of money so we should start saving.

Ben- OK, I bet we can be ready by next month.

that conversation is why i do what i do. because a relationship with God is more than just loving God. it involves loving others too. these past 3 months i have seen my students slowly start to get it. the way they talk about tommy like he's their own little mascott of love. they way they ask me if God could drop some food on haiti. they are starting to put the pieces together on their own and its wonderful.

we ended "30 Hour Famine" with a handcraft. 25,000 people die each day because of hunger related issues. my kids made 2500 handprints and i told them each hand represented 10 people that died because they didn't have enough food. but i told them the hands represented something else too. each hand represented the effort and love with which they had entered the "30 Hour Famine". i told my students that with each hand they should remember they are changing the world. and they are. they really are.

i was beyond exhausted when i got home late saturday. but i had started the weekend with no thought of my Jesus and i ended the weekend completely safe in his embrace. completely sure of the cross. completely convinced that there isn't a single statistic on this planet that is stronger than my Lord. and as if those lessons weren't enough: i ended the weekend knowing that someday God's gonna have hold of my students' hearts the way He has mine.

hole in my heart...

2010-03-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

Isaiah is my absolute favorite book of the Bible. It is the place I go for strength and courage. The words I find there consistantly challenge me and grow my faith. In my favorite book of the Bible there is a chapter; a seemingly small chapter. It is in this chapter that I hear my calling. It is in this chapter that I know how to throw myself into the work God has for me.

My heart always aches to be in Africa. I'm not ever truely whole until I'm there. But usually its a dull ache that I can ignore. Lately though I haven't been able to. My dreams are a world away. I wait on pins and needles for the day when the Lord says I can go there and never come back. So this morning in an effort to soothe the pain I'm meditating on Isaiah 61 and the above picture of my heart. Join me.

The Year of the Lord's Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations. Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.

For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfullness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.

I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.

yesterday...

2010-03-16T08:48:00.001-07:00

at the end of this month my students and i will be holding an event called "30 Hour Famine". it's purpose is to raise awareness and funds to fight world hunger. the basic idea is that we will get our friends and family to sponsor us a dollar amount for each hour we fast. for example i'm fasting 30 hours and my good friend Tyler hellinga is giving me $3 for every hour fasted. then we send that money to Uganda through world vision. i've done this event before and it's a great way to help students and leaders see the world around them with more compassionate eyes.

anyway, yesterday in preparation for the famine i was watching some videos i bought from invisible children (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/). i'm going to be showing some of these videos throughout the event and i wanted to make sure they were jr. high appropriate. i spent about 2 hours in my office just crying and crying. and there were a lot of reasons for those tears.

i think the most obvious reason is that my heart just can't comprehend how we can be so cruel to each other. you can get way more detailed thoughts on that throughout my blog. but there was something else. when i was 15 years old i went on my very first mission trip to mexico and while there i saw a movie about the aids crisis in africa. and ever since that night, ever since i first heard the call for help my whole being wants to respond. if you know me, you know that i end up bringing up the topic of africa in almost every conversation. i can't help it. the person that God made me to be is screaming to do something; to love more completely.

watching the videos from invisible children reminded me that i have left so much work unfinished. i have left children, who are longing to be held and i have left mothers with too much work to do alone. its interesting to me that i got a heart for this wild and untamed continent while sitting in a room a world away. i guess that's why we do the famine, because who knows how God will touch the hearts of my students.

so i would like to ask all of you that read this (i actually have no idea if its more than haley, carlee, and amy) please be praying for me and my kiddos on march 26th and 27th. pray that God would let His spirit fall on RLC. ask Him to change lives and hearts. and maybe through your prayers and God's diligent work we will find that my students grow a heart to change the world, just like i did.

heart abandoned...

2010-03-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

last week i couldn't sleep and so i went to my trusty books for something to distract me. among my beautiful and prized bookshelves there are a handful of books that i haven't read yet. usually those books comprise of gifts, things i was given and either haven't gotten to yet or don't really ever plan on getting to. so, i started purusing and i came across on old yellow library copy of the hiding place by corrie ten boom. i'm not sure if that book is familiar to you- but if not: it's one woman's true accounting of how her family became involved in holland's underground during WWII, hiding jews so that they could find freedom. i was surprised i had it, because literally i can account for every single volume i have and here's one i didn't remember. i was also surprised because i had never read it and i am facinated by world war II and i usually devour everything i can get my hands on that's written about it. so i picked it up. i settled into my cozy bed and i readied myself to enter into the magic world of words.

i wish desperately i was a more talented writer. because the following post is not even going to scratch the surface of what this tiny little novel did for me.

i want to begin with: how does God love us? how can he love us when we are so intentionally cruel to each other? i consistantly had to put this book down and ask God to forgive me of my cruelty. as corrie wrote so simply of the pain she saw inflicted on her jewish neighbors i realized that we are capable of so much hurt. and that hurt shows up in small ways like a jab at our friends to make ourselves shinier but it also consists of this:

"how often it is a small, almost unconsious event that marks a turning point. as arrests of jews in the street became more frequent, i had begun picking up and delievering work for our jewish customers myself so that they would not have to venture into the center of town. and so one evening in the early spring of 1942 i was in the home of a doctor and his wife. they were a very old dutch family: the portraits on the walls could have been a textbook of holland's history. the heemstras and i were talking about the things that were discussed whenever a group of people got together in those days, rationing and the news from england, when down the stairs piped a childish voice: 'daddy! you didn't tuck us in!' dr. heemstras was on his feet in an instant. with an apology to his wife and me he hurried upstairs and in a minute we heard a game of hide-and-seek going and the laughter of two children. that was all. nothing had changed. mrs. heemstra continued with her recipe for stretching the tea with rose leaves. and yet everything was changed. for in that instant, reality broke through the numbness that had grown in me since the invasion. at any minute there might be a rap on this door. these children, this mother and father, might be ordered to the back of a truck" (pg. 74).

it's unimaginable the kind of suffering that we inflict upon each other. but there was another aspect of this book that wormed its way into my heart. corrie and her entire family willingly offered their lives to God. this wasn't signing up for a short-term mission trip where they could go somewhere safe and safely serve God. this wasn't proclaiming their faith in God while putting their own desires before everything else. it was a concious decision that death would be preferable to turning away from God's people. do i love my Jesus that much? do i love my neighbor that much?

"dr. heemstra came back to the living room and the conversation rambled on. but under the words a prayer was forming in my heart: 'Lord Jesus, i offer myself to your people. in any way. any place. any time'" (pg. 74).

corrie and her family would end up hiding hundreds of jews. they eventually built a small room in her bedroom so that if they were ever raided they would have a chance to keep all the jews living with them from arrest. i posted pictures of the actual room at the top of the post. and they went about their lives. they took thousands, millions of risks and there were so many times when they were given the oppurtunity to stop. they could have climbed safe and warm into their beds and said to themselves, "we've done what we could. God would be proud. but it's just too dangerous now."

eventually they were caught and corrie and her family were arrested. they were all sent to prison. her father died there. her brother and one of her sisters were released, but corrie and her sister betsie were sent to a concentration camp. not because they were jewish. not because they were mentally or physically disabled or for any other insane reason the nazi's were sending people to the camps. because they loved. because they loved others more than they loved themselves. no, wait that's wrong- because they loved God more than even the air they were breathing.

betsie died in the concentration camp. and when corrie was finally released because of a clerical error she entered a world without her father. without her mother or sister. she lost everyone she cared about. she was broken physically and emotionally. she was scarred in ways that were just beginning to show themselves. but she was also gloriously whole. because she had done exactly what Christ did. she offered all she had to her Father. it wasn't much, but God used her small life to feed millions, including me.

i have no idea how to summarize in this post the mark the chapters of their imprisonment left on me. i feel like a completely different chelsea. i feel more lost and more found. i feel closer to my Lord. i feel like a bomb went off next to me and took pieces of my selfishness with it. i want to end with corrie's words on how desperately she clung to our Lord.

"the instant of dismissal we would mob the door of barracks 8, stepping on each other's heels in our eagerness to get inside, to shrink the world back to understandable proportions. it grew harder and harder. even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. everyday something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. 'will you carry this too, Lord Jesus?' but as the rest of the world grew stranger, one thing became increasingly clear. and that was the reason the two of us were here. why others should suffer we were not shown. as for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not in ranks for roll call our bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope. like waifs clustered around a blazing fire, we gathered around it, holding out our hearts to its warmth and light. the blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the word of God. 'who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecutionor famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.' i would look about us as betsie read, watching the light leap from face to face. more than conquerors.... it was not a wish. it was a fact. we knew it, we experienced it minute by minute- poor, hated, hungry. we are more than conquerors. not 'we shall be.' we are! life in ravensbruck took place on two separate levels, mutually impossible. one, the observable, external life, grew every day more horrible. the other, the life we lived with God, grew daily better, truth upon truth, glory upon glory" (pg. 194-195).

The Buried Life...

2010-02-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

My new favorite show is MTV's: "The Buried Life". It follows these four guys as they try to accomplish evey item on their "Before we die..." list. And each time they complete something on their list they try to help a stranger cross off something on their list. It's this very sweet and surprisingly touching show. It also doesn't hurt that the guys are too cute. Anyway, it's got me thinking about what I'd put on my list. They have 100 items; so here's mine.

1. get married
2. be a mom
3. visit every single country in Africa
4. create my own cereal
5. sing kareokee with jon bon jovi
6. write a book
7. get that book published
8. work on a horse ranch
9. kiss in the rain
10. adopt
11. tour the white house
12. meet nelson mandela
13. be interviewed by jimmy kimmel
14. see every continent
15. go to london
16. live in a small town
17. deliver a baby
18. have enough money to spend it without thinking
19. spend 1 month all by myself in some secluded, beautiful place and just think and be with God
20. be in two places at once
21. get a tattoo
22. write for a sucessful TV show
23. learn to play piano
24. learn to play guitar
25. dance all night long
26. spend the night on the beach
27. get to take a mission trip with all of my closest friends
28. invent something
29. time travel
30. do something truly artistic
31. help someone's dreams come true
32. go to walt disney world
33. stay in a castle
34. sit on a beautiful, rolling hill, while drinking something hot and wonderful, and just "be" in ireland
35. have a song written about me
36. pet a baby hippo
37. ride an ostrich
38. figure out a really great halloween costume and execute it beauitfully
39. live next door to tim and carlee
40. learn to sew
41. watch jay, jake, and patrick change the world
42. buy my momma a cottage by the sea, just like the Lupin Lady's
43. be able to finance all of my missionary friend's lives
44. have my very own, wonderful library
45. be a cartoon
46. have an occasion to wear a really fancy, oscar-type gown
47. get to play with baby farm animals
48. go fishing with barack obama
49. get to be a guest co-host on the view
50. pay off my student loans
51. have a real pen pal
52. swim with dolphins
53. see a superbowl live
54. go on tour with U2
55. become more handy
56. carve a cool piece of furniture
57. be on survivor
58. walk with daisy on a deserted beach
59. find out i had a long, lost, evil twin
60. scare my brother, like really bad, like worse than all the times he's scared me added together
61. go to tea with someone fancy and british
62. take sally to south africa
63. play paintball with the new england patriots
64. have a reunion with our saturday morning worship group (with phil leading worship for it)
65. fill a swimming pool with jello
66. beat kevin in anything fantasy football related
67. be really, truly surprised
68. never have to plan another one of my birthdays
69. come up with the world's best cupcake recipe
70. design a t-shirt
71. go on a roadtrip with matty, tyler, lala, and oliver
73. help with extreme home makeover
74. take beautiful photographs
75. get a puppy
76. have my own treehouse (and an awesome one)
77. have one new year's eve that lives up to the hype
78. find a way to thank all the people that have changed my life
79. get a better sense of direction
80. go to space
81. have lunch with all the captains of the enterprise
82. learn to sail
83. beat my students at stupid guitar hero
84. have a white christmas
85. be in a play
86. crash a wedding
87. see a real circus
89. sit in a pub, drink a beer, and watch rugby in london
90. learn to speak another language fluently
91. ride a train
92. stay in a super fancy hotel, in their fanciest room
93. see both poles, north and south
94. visit ernest hemingway's house
95. design my dream home
96. roadtrip across these united states
97. have a vegetable garden
98. ride a hot-air balloon
99. learn to bartend, and then get to do it for a night or two
100. spend a few days on a deserted island with someone i love

john hughes changes everything...

2010-02-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

do you ever wish you could just be a character in a john hughes film? i do. a lot. his movies were just genius. the breakfast club, ferris buller's day off, pretty in pink, sixteen candles; that is a list that continues to define teen angst and love and figuring out who we are. anyway i've been in an 80's mood lately so i thought i'd post a little tribute.

a cup of sugar...

2010-02-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

i usually hate baking. i find it tedious and constricting. i love to cook, but that's an entirely different beast than baking. there's a recipe that must be followed and the timing has to be perfect. all things i'm horrible at. but a few years ago when i started working with high school students i invented a game called "cookie points". basically i handed out points haphazardly and when a student reached a specific number of points i would bake them a batch of cookies. this did practically nothing for the girls, but the boys loved it! they would work so hard for the points. and in turn i spent a lot more time baking than i ever had before.

so here's what i'm learning: baking is constricting and there are rules and you can't just throw in some lime juice because you think it might add a bit of a kick. but baking gives you a different kind of freedom. as you knead the dough or whip the egg whites there's this knowledge that following the recipe is going to get you where you want to go. when i cook it's wild and haphazard. not everything i put in a pot works well together (although i must say i get it right 9 out of 10x). but with baking i can follow each step and trust that my pie will deliver. it's a nice thought when my world seems so out of my control.

so go grab a recipe and make a pie or some banana bread and relax in the knowledge that you can't screw it up... well, i mean you can screw it up... uh-oh...

And the Lord was with him...

2010-01-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

my sophomore year of high school (i think. potentially it could have been my junior year. ask phil if you want the exact date) one of my leader's started a saturday morning class. we'd meet at church and worship in the balcony of the sanctuary and then we'd go to this room by my dad's office and have some sort of lesson on discipleship. i want to be clear: this was SATURDAY MORNING! and it was early, really early. i don't remember exactly how early, but trust me, it was definitely a sacrifice. and although my body would yell at me each week to just skip it, i never did. those mornings were some of the best worship i have ever participated in. and that's saying a lot, because i have been in some really dynamic worship. it wasn't because of the caliber of the worship leader. it wasn't because the music was so new and exciting. in fact it was just a small group of us, one guitar, and some off-key voices. but there was this beautiful spirit of adoration in the room.

after awhile our leader was off to new adventures. and so saturday morning class stopped. i didn't think much of it. i missed the worship, but i wasn't like desperate to rip my body from my bed that early anymore. one day i was hanging out with my friend tyler and he mentioned that he really missed devoting that morning time to the Lord. he told me he was going to start a weekly morning prayer group. he wanted to meet wednesdays before school. now we're talking even earlier. this i distinctly remember: 6:30am! it was still dark out when we would head to church. and although i felt this slight twinge of sadness for my warm bed, it was infigorating to begin my day with the Lord. for a few weeks it would just be me and tyler. we'd meet up in the balconey and just seek the Lord's will. i loved it. i have never felt so sure of my faith as i did on wednesday morning.

i would say that the past 5ish years have not been great when it comes to my devotion for God. i'm still seeking Him, but it's always half-hearted and on my terms. and slowly i have drifted from His side. i'm no longer the same girl that put everything in her life second to her savior. i've been trying so hard to get back there. and this morning i was reading a verse that a friend sent me: "... one of the servants answered, 'i have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the harp. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. AND THE LORD IS WITH HIM.'"

and the Lord is with him. and the Lord is with him. and the Lord is with him. no matter how many times i hear those words they never stop being powerful. i never stop missing them; those words used to describe me. it's time i went back to walking with my Jesus. and that means it's time to put my hand back in His.

copy-cat, 2009 edition...

2010-01-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

so clearly i steal my best ideas. but i was reading my friend haley's blog (a great pastime you should try) and i loved how she summed her year up. i've been trying to find a good way to do the same... so i'm stealing hers: the following are the people, places, and moments that defined me this year. some of them helped me to better grasp who i am and who my God calls me to be, others were just plainly a bad influence. I want to be clear that the following items are listed for all sorts of reasons. so don't take any of it as an advertisement (necessarily)!

BOOKS: The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay), The Furious Longing of God (Brennan Manning), The Twilight Series (Stephanie Meyer)

SONGS: divine romance (phil wickham), don't stop believin' (glee cover), i didn't know my own strength (whitney houston), by your side (tenth avenue north)

PEOPLE: President Barack Obama, Sally Cook, Pierre Bartels, The Klug Family, Kevin Cox, and Chelsea Handler

WEBSITE: www.youthspecialities.com/jobs

Album: Line on the Horizon (U2), ACTS 2009

MOVIES: (this was by far the hardest category to sum up) Invictus, Schindler's List, Last Chance Harvey, P.S. I Love you, Star Trek

TV SHOWS: Sons of Anarchy, Survivor, The Real Housewives

MISC: Directing ACTS, Leaving SAPC, Last Family Camp, Moving Out, Standing Up, Tyler getting married, Letting Go, AAA, Joining and Leaving the OAM Board, Trust

brave new world...

2010-01-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

there have been a lot of ways in which st. andrews presbyterian church (sapc) left a distinct mark on my faith. so much of how i view God comes from the love and support and tears and anger that i got while attending sapc. but i think that if i had to sum all that up in one program it would be the acts (ambassadors for christ through song) program.

at first acts was this place that as a girl i just couldn't wait to be a member of. it represented everything cool and enticing and awesome. as i got older acts came to be the place where i met God. it was the process of going to practices and working hard and then enjoying a week of tour away from my life that taught me what relationship truly means.

and over the years with every tour i have fallen more in love with this program. i have seen it from every possible angle, worked every imaginable job. there is nothing more precious to me. it is what i look forward to all year. but this year for the first time in 19 years i won't be going. this past sunday acts had it's first practice and i wasn't there. they've picked the music and i had no hand in it. as i have been making the transition from sapc to resurrection lutheran church there haven't been many noticable disappointments. but here is one. i want so badly to get on that bus in june. i want to help students to see how necessary God is. i want to laugh with kevin about whether or not he'll actually get to be in charge of the movies. i want to roll my eyes with matty as albie puts a cold snapple on his neck. i'm going to miss out on the stories. i'm going to miss out on the fun and the blind hatred of modesto, california. and there is this very significant part of me that is mourning this loss.

however, there is another part of me; a smaller and less vocal part. this other part is so excited to see how God will use me with a brand new summer. for the first time in my entire life i am facing a summer without the traditions of st. andrews. no vbc, no family camp, no sunsets. and i think that this fresh summer holds many wonderful surprises.

so i wish the acts choir all the success in the world. i love you all fiercely and when i watch the home concert i expect to see those altos kicking some major ass!

divine romance...

2009-12-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

This year the song that has changed me the most is Divine Romance by Phil Wickham. I don't really want to take the time now to explain what the lyrics have meant to me or how they have kept me standing when all I want to do is lay down. I just want to write them here and hope that they will have a chance to speak to you.

The Fullness of your Grace is here with me.

The Richness of your Beauty's all I see.

The Brightness of your Glory has arrived.

In your Presence God, I'm completely satisfied.

For you I sing, I dance

Rejoice in this Divine Romance

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love, to show my love

A Deep, Deep Flood; an ocean flows from you.

Of Deep, Deep Love, yeah its filling up the room.

Your Innocent Blood has washed my guilty life.

In your Presence God, I'm completely satisfied.

christmas...

2009-12-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

i love christmas. it's my absolute favorite time of the year for all the reasons you can imagine. i love when the weather turns cold and i can pull out my ugg boots. i love that all the stores play holiday music and hang up completely exagerated decorations. there's something about this time of year that makes me feel more hopeful- makes me believe in magic.

this morning i've been sitting at my desk preparing a message on advent. ironically this morning when i got into work a friend of mine had posted a blog on that very subject. it got me thinking.... there's so much in this world that we wait for. we wait for education and true love and financial stability and babies and birthdays and we even wait in line just about everywhere we go. lots and lots of waiting. i'm not usually a fan of waiting but this time of year i can't wait to wait.

go read luke 17:11-19. go on. go right now.

jesus heals ten lepers. changes their lives completely. and then as he sends them towards new life he stays on the road and waits. maybe he knew one would come back. maybe he used his super-awesome divinity powers and knew that his waiting would be rewarded. or perhaps he tapped into his limited humanity and just hoped the waiting would be worth it. as we step into advent there's so many different ways that we're waiting. and i know as you watch the world around you flaunt it's brokenness its so easy to reject that sense of anticipation. but do me a favor: just for the next few weeks let the cynic in you take a back seat and embrace the waiting. trust the magic of christmas. remember that a baby was born and he changed everything and let's not keep him waiting on the road for us.

Why I Love Sally...

2009-11-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

Sally "Day 100" is coming up and so in preperation here are 100 reasons why I love you.

1. Because you are always genuine.
2. coloring skills
3. your curiosity
4. your eyelashes
5. how much you love sam from west wing
6. cake skills
7. that you keep the wrapping paper
8. willingness to fight
9. devotion to justice
10. how you roll your eyes at me when you're frustrated
11. how much you want colleen to succeed.
12. how much you want to be vulnerable
13. sense of compassion
14. your rock word
15. you want a dog
16. you really listen
17. an amazing memory
18. you've made such progress with the lady
19. you don't give up easily
20. you want to know that aaron is ok
21. you pray for the people you love
22. your patience
23. your desire to do big things with your life
24. your work ethic
25. your attention to detail
26. your desire to be bones
27. your tie-dye shirts
28. our contract
29. your intensely accurate perceptions of people
30. the way you and sydney laugh
31. your silliness
32. your willingness to trust me
33. your mom walks with kerry
34. that you text me everyday
35. your strength
36. how graceful you are
37. the way you let your friends in even when its hard
38. your willingness to share on acts
39. your sense of humor
40. your crazy stories
41. the pictures you draw in church
42. your ability to forgive
43. your wacky belief that toby's a real person and your desire to give him a hug
44. how hard you work at school
45. your crazy adventures with jen
46. how much you eat cereal
47. how specific you are
48. your chelsea archeology
49. your ocd-ness
50. the way you say, "ok chelsea" with a big sigh
51. that you watch one tree hill with your mom
52. that you have a special drawer
53. the way you can make any regular old occasion special
54. that you're willing to try new food (i.e. thai and green temple) even though ultimately you end up hating them
55. that you want good things for your friends
56. that you made daniel-opoly
57. that you commit 100% to whatever you're doing
58. that you have high expectations of those around you
59. you're sweet, fragile spirit
60. that you went to great lengths to hide your facebook
61. that you hate birds
62. your tenacity
63. that you call yourself pigey
64. that you want a bright and glorious future
65. your smile
66. your hugs
67. the weird look that comes over you when you're deep in observing someone
68. that you appreciate others
69. that you remember to tell people that they're wonderful
70. your generosity
71. that you don't let failure stop you from trying again
72. your fascination with rolly-pollys
73. that you take people at face value
74. your desire to have better and more honest relationships
75. that you're vulnerable enough to draw the tree picture and then trusting enough to give it to me
76. that you let God use music and media to speak to you
77. that crazy worried look you get
78. that you keep a gps with sophie
79. that your heart is so big and full of love
80. that you took the time to plan my party
81. even though this is a rare one: when you wear dresses
82. our game
83. how much you love jen
84. how protective you are of the people you love
85. your logic
86. your weird love of dik-diks
87. that you appreciate all the hard work matt does
88. that you notice the little things
89. that you never get sick of my stupid stories
90. the weird way you fold laundry
91. that you love charades with julia and katelin
92. what a great dish washer you are
93. that your constantly trying to better yourself
94. your shoes
95. that you're so crafty
96. how commited you are to your journals
97. that even though you're crazy with cleaning, your room is a mess
98. your imagination
99. your desire to help others
100. sally, the 100th reason i love you is that i know you will make it to day 100. i know that you are doing great and i am so proud of you.

meeting tommy...

2009-11-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

i have been meaning to write this post but life, as it inevitably does, has been getting in the way. but today my load at work is light and my heart is full with thoughts... just to warn you it's going to be a long one.

1997- when i started 7th grade i remember only one thing. amy cox told me that if any of the girls in the youth group were mean to me she'd beat them up. i laughed and asked if that included emily (her sister who was in 6th grade) and she said especially emily.

1999- dave and kathy burchiel's house, first bible study of my high school career.

i walked in the door to a house i had visited millions of times with dragons in my stomach. yes many people say butterflies, but i had dragons. when i was 15 years old i was incredibly insecure (hahaha who am i kidding, that little weakness still crops up) and i was so nervous that i was going to be hanging out with the high schoolers. at the time the only other incoming freshman was tyler hellinga and he had a built-in support system with his brother and brian nenno. i remember that for the first ten minutes i just sat quietly on the couch and tried to figure out what my next move was going to be. i refused to be the "sits quietly on the couch" girl. i was completely convinced that i would spend all of high school wishing i could turn invisible. then in walked my unlikely her0: jeff klug. jeff came in and sat down by me. he asked me a couple questions and we moved into comfortable conversation. he didn't have to. he had plenty of friends in the room, but he took the time to make sure that i felt safe. that i felt like i had a place. now that i work with high schoolers i see what an incredible act of selfless love this was. i am hard-pressed to find seniors who are as compassionate and Christlike.

my friend and long time hero ended up married to just about the most wonderful woman in the world: AMY COX. hahaha, now if you know me at all you know that i believe the jonas brothers aren't nearly the rock stars that the cox family is. so i was so happy to find out that two of my favorite people had decided to build a life together. and as i watched their wedding i couldn't think of anything that could disrupt the beautiful life they were guarenteed.

but something happened that changed their world forever. jeff and amy lost a beautiful and cherished daughter. in june of 2008 jeff and amy delivered and lost leah. and i'm not going to be arrogant enough to assume i know how that must have felt, how that still must feel. but i will say that i have never in my life been as angry at God as i was on that day. i couldn't think of a better couple to love a child. i couldn't think of another baby as desired as leah. and i couldn't for the life of me understand why or how or what had happened. the loss of leah was for me a last straw in a long string of mistakes God had made. i had been struggling with my trust for the Lord and what happened to jeff and amy pushed me over the edge. i decided i was done. i decided that of course God existed but he clearly couldn't love us very much and i felt my heart harden towards him.

the loss of leah marked a change in my friends. i saw amy and jeff a few months later at family camp and they both looked exhausted. it seemed they were carrying this heavy load. all i wanted was to say or do something to lighten it for them. but of course what could be said? what could be done? as amy and i sat down for one of our yearly catch-up chats we both just cried and spoke of loss. but throughout our conversation i was struck by something: amy had never looked more beautiful. i tried to figure out what it was, because pine valley is not known for cultivating beauty. the more we talked the more i realized what it was: amy was clinging desperately to God. her heart was in pieces all around her and she was just trying to put one foot in front of the other, but throughout that process she was holding onto our Savior. it was that brief glimpse i got into amy's heart that began to melt some of the anger i had built into my heart towards God.

so all of those words lead to the amazing miracle that was october 18th. this summer amy and jeff adopted a little boy: tommy. on october 18th amy came to california with her beauitful boy and we got to meet the little man. and i could say here that tommy is sweet and handsome and charming (because of course its all true) but i want to say something else. tommy is magic. life is full of so much pain that i think i was letting that pain be all there was in my life. but when i saw amy, face shinning and eyes all sparkly with her boy. hers. completely and totally awash in a blessing from God i realized that my Abba loves. he loves us enough to wait while i finish spewing my venom. he loves amy and jeff to just hold them as their lives shattered. and he loves tommy enough to watch over him until jeff and amy could go pick up their child. tommy is this walking miracle. and the only way i can express that is to say: tommy is magic.

meeting tommy reminded me that God is good. gosh my soul needed reminding of that. you see the amy i saw a few weeks ago still carried the scars of loss but then i thought of someone else who carries scars. jesus carries scars because of his total love for me. amy carries scars because of her complete devotion to leah. and in both cases there is rebirth. for jeff and amy that rebirth is tommy for jesus and me that rebirth is salvation. so there is joy in pain and it seems i had forgotten that.

i think i will end with this: jeff, amy, and tommy- i love you so much. you each have taught me something important about myself and you each have shown me something priceless about God. thank you for your vunerability. thank you for your honesty. and thank you for letting me be in your lives.

Quick Life Update...

2009-11-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

As of last weekend I am offically living in my own place! Whoo-hoo! I am so excited! I have a little one-bedroom place close to work and I feel so free. I'll post pictures soon.

a perfect day...

2009-10-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

a few months ago i wrote about how all my friends were getting married. i spent some blog time exploring how weird it was to watch as important people in my life were transitioning into such huge commitments. when i wrote that blog i was convinced that all these weddings would be uncomfortable. i'm not sure if i can explain it, but even if you are estatically happy for the couple getting married, weddings have a way to make single people feel like their life will never get jump-started. anyway, so my friends got engaged and i was entirely convinved that their weddings would bring out all sorts of ugly insecurities i don't like to see in myself. this made me completely sure that i wanted to avoid said weddings at all costs. but let's be honest there are some events you can't miss.

then God did something amazing. on september 26, 2009 tyler john hellinga married amy elizabeth maddox. as i got dressed for that wedding my mind was consumed with memories. i thought about the first time tyler asked amy out. i laughed as i remembered how amy and i pretended that tyler had given her a black eye at winter camp. i smiled as i contemplated how our Lord could lead two people down this path from friendship to love to hatred, then wind it all back to friendship and ultimately love again.

when i got to the wedding and gave tyler a hug i swear i have never seen him look so nervous. and tyler and i have been friends for 15 years. as the wedding started my eyes filled with tears because i was so incredibly peaceful. there was no place on earth that i would rather have been than in that chair on that particular beach. and as i watched my best friend's eyes fill with tears as he watched his bride walk towards him, i knew beyond any doubt that this was a marriage that would enrich the lives of the people it touched. amy and tyler love each other so completely. they trust each other. they're better people because of each other. but above all that they love God. they trust God. they let God mold them so that He might make them better.

it's no secret that i struggle with loneliness. in fact that's often a common theme of my blogs. but on this day- this day when i expected to feel sad and alone and hopeless; i felt only joy. i felt satisfied knowing that my beloved friends were together. and nothing could stop that. it was a wedding that made me reach out and hold the hand of my Savior. it was a couple that reminded me that real love is complicated and confusing and always steady. it was a perfect day.

New Job, Same Girl...

2009-09-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog World,
So a lot has been going on with me these past few months and my friend T reminded me that I haven't been very faithful to update my blog with the new info. So now, here goes...

This past year I have been attending the very large CSULB for my teaching credential. After college I thought I should go into teaching. Not necessarily because I really felt called to teaching or because I had this passion for it. But mostly because I thought it seemed steady, it seemed responsible. Anyway, I worked toward my credential half-heartedly until May (hey that rhymes). In May through a series of events it became really clear to me that my calling is full time ministry. There's nothing else I want. I know in my heart that this is more than just what God wants for me, but its what I want for myself.

So after this revelation I began the process of looking for a job. I literally applied all over the world. I applied for jobs all over the states and abroad as well. I was sure that this was my chance for a new adventure in a new town. I love starting over in new places. I love the exploration and the unknown. But in addition to applying all over, I thought I'd also throw my resume out close to home.

And as usually happens when God is involved, my plans got turned upside-down. After many interviews, tears, and anxiety I am pleased to announce that I am the brand new Student Ministries Director at Resurrection Lutheran Church in Redondo Beach. I may not be in a new town, but learning a new denomination and new people is adventure enough (at least for now). I love my new church home and although I desperately miss the people and love at St. Andy's at least I'm close enough to visit.

So, here goes- sink or swim...

pebbles...

2009-08-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

you wanna hear something funny? well not "haha" funny- more "hmmmm, ok" funny. there have been three major moments in my life. three times where i faced a fairly big decision. each time (i'm saying, each and EVERY time) i have found myself facing that decision on a mountaintop in South Africa. i'm not sure what to make of this. but this summer was no different. i'm completely changing careers, changing almost everything in my life and i'm not exactly sure what's next. so i found myself: freezing cold and staring at a pile of rocks on top of a beautiful mountain.

i was staring at this makeshift alter and i was wondering if i have what it takes to completely offer myself up to God. it's certainly one thing to say we want our life to be what God wants it to be. but what are willing to give up for that? what if God never wants to see me married? what if he never sees me with children? what if God's best puts me in a faraway land rarely visiting my family? see it's one thing for us to claim that we want God making our big decisions, it's another to actually LET him.

i came to a realization on that mountain. it has never been "my" life. i've always belonged to God. i will always be his girl and i am willing to lay down every one of my heart's desires to live a life he can be proud of. i am willing to give him my everything.

Abba, I belong to you!

more pictures...

2009-08-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

home from africa...

2009-08-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

thoughts to follow...

did i forget to sign-up?

2009-04-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

ok, this post is for for all single friends. although i'm not completely sure i have any left. did i miss the sign-up day for engagements? i must have. within the last month 3 of my friends have gotten engaged. in addition to that 4 of my friends have been married, and finally a whopping 2 of my friends have recently moved in with their significant others (this is not an encouragement to do that, it's just a statement of fact). that's a total of 9 of my friends (18 if we count their significant others) that are moving into this new "blissful" time of coupledom. i have to admit as happy as i am for them, as content as i am in my present stage of life i'm feeling a bit pissy. is there like a deadline: make sure you snag up a fiance/spouse/lover by may 1st or there are no promises you'll ever get one.

in addition the absolute twilight zone quaility of this month i have been thinking that statistically speaking 4.5 of those 9 couples won't make it. divorce is such a huge aspect of our society. it makes me pray harder for my friends. i hope it doesn't affect them. but there's no guarentee.

so let's recap: i'm the last single lady left. i'm going to go broke buying engagement/wedding/housewarming gifts and half of my friends are getting divorced. wow! this has been a pretty depressing post. sorry.

wanting doesn't make it so...

2009-04-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

i spend every tuesday morning deep in thought for about 45 minutes. i get up and get ready for school and then i get in my car and make the drive to Long Beach. between the drive, finding parking, and walking to the library it all works out to about 45 minutes. during this time i have a wide variety of thoughts running through my mind. some days i think about all the mistakes i made the day before. i spend a lot of time wondering why the world is the way it is. one tuesday i spent the entire 45 minutes composing a really difficult email to a friend who i was fighting with. now don't get me wrong, i don't spend every tuesday wadding through murkiness (spelling?). i have spent many a tuesday laughing to myself about various beautiful and wonderful things.

this time is good for me. it allows me to sort through all the complications that make up who i am. i definately need time for that. but this time to myself also presents a problem. one of my biggest weaknesses is that i live so much of my life up in my head. so i decided today that i would share what i was thinking about. my hope is that by putting thought to type i will be really able to bring shape to this idea.

when i got into my car this morning i plugged in my ipod, just like usual. mostly i listen to worship music on the way to school because i am terrified of the freeway and i believe that God is more likely to keep me safe if i am listening to worship music (i know, i know there are major flaws in that theology). but today i was in the mood for something sappy. so i put on this play-list i have of really cheesy love songs. as i drove down the 405 jammin' to the Beatles and Whitney Houston (you know you wish you had a copy of this playlist) i started dreaming up this perfect love story. girl meets boy, boy turns out to be more wonderful than anyone could have every imagined, boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after. i started dreaming up my perfect little movie world. in chelsea's love story only one thing matters: chelsea and said boy love each other so completely that their lives are this constant reflection of that love. that's when it hit me.

i spend so much of my time wanting this worldly love. i dream of boy. i wish for a happily ever after. but you know what i realized today? i already have it. God's my perfect love story. His sacrifice reflects more passion, more steadiness, more "forever" than any other love ever can. it was this brillant awakening. and now i share it with you.

continuing the love...

2009-03-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

hi blog world,
so i was reading my friend haley's blog today (mostly a daily ritual for me) and she had posted a fun game. she is buying a book for the first three people to comment on her post. it's a way she's showing those she loves that she loves them. but the rule is each of those three people must in turn do something sweet for their loved ones. so... as a result i am going to write a letter (a real, honest to goodness written on paper, in my actual freaking handwriting, , get it in the mail, full of my love and devotion letter) to the first three people who comment on this post. the only thing i ask in return is that you find some way to pass along the game.
love ya and can't wait to see what happens,
chels

carrying the torch

2009-02-24T11:33:00.000-08:00

from as early as i can remember one of my absolute favorite parts of summer has been ACTS tour. i remember i used to wait on pins all year for it. when i was really little most of my excitment came from thinking there was no one cooler than amy cox (now klug). she used to baby sit me and i freely admit i wanted to be her. as i sat in the audience and watched her sing with the choir, i would think about the day i would get to sing too. i couldn't wait to throw on an ulgy jean jumpsuit and get to belt out my best steven curtis chapman. another reason i so loved ACTS was because of dave and kathy. they were more than just youth directors. they were more than simple choir directors. dave and kathy were these people who loved me. not because they were family and had to, not because it was their job, but because they genuinely loved me. that is such a gift. i couldn't wait to join the choir and participate fully in ministry with them.

over the years ACTS has passed through many fingers. it has changed directors and directions. in some ways the program that i work with today looks vastly different from the one i first fell in love with. and although with each change ACTS has grown and become newly beautiful it will never be as powerful as it once was. wait, wait, don't freak out. i'm not saying it's not powerful. i'm saying that it's not as powerful for me! when i was little i sat in a pew and watched as people i idolized sang out to God. ACTS was big. in a lot of ways it represented beautiful possibility for me. now that i am grown and singing in the choir, i find the program seems much smaller to me. i no longer look out at the choir and imagine possibility (now i mostly look out on the choir and sigh as i think about my 'to do' list).

this year ACTS once again has two new directors: sarah sisco and... ME. it's insane to think about. in so many ways i can't wait for tour. i have real vision and am excited to execute that. but a little tiny part of me wishes that i could go back in time and watch as kathy directs. i wish i could go back to dreaming about the day when i would be as old as amy. i want to go back to riding roller coasters with dave. because even though my life is full and wonderful, it has seen a lot of pain. and the dreams dreamed by the little girl in the pew were untouched by that pain. maybe i'll never get to go back, but i do hope that by moving forward i will be continuing on a rich and wonderful tradition of hoping, dreaming, and believing.

just dreamin'

2009-01-27T10:03:00.001-08:00

today i woke up and wished i hadn't. i was having the best dream. only the trouble is that i can't remember it now. this got me to thinking: how do i know it was the best dream? because i awoke with some sort of warm-fuzzy feeling? that seems a bit irrational. for all i know i was having a horribly frightening dream and the warm-fuzzy feeling came BECAUSE i woke up. right? that could have happened? besides if this dream was so all-powerfully amazing then shouldn't i remember it? anyway maybe this is a chicken-egg situation, but i felt the need to share my frustrations.

in other news if it was the best dream ever then i bet i was in one of three places: never-never land, london, or south africa. all my best daydreams happen in those locations. oh! and i bet i was with one of these three people: leigh anne, my future-currently non-existant children, or hugh jackman (please! you're wondering why hugh jackman? have you seen the man?!)

Across The universe - Let It Be

2009-01-18T21:21:00.001-08:00

this is one of my absolutely favorite beatles songs. a few weeks ago i came across this movie and i was surprised by how amazing it was. across the universe is this beautiful depiction of the music of george, paul, ringo, and john.

the thing about this song is that it is so sad. the idea that the brokenhearted people of this world must 'let it be'. i know most people look at this song as inspiring- leaving the darkness to be reckoned another day. the thing is i believe in a hopeful future. i believe that there will always be brokeness, there will always be pain, there will always be darkness. but the hope, the light is that we don't walk through those things alone. we grab tightly to the hem of God's robe. we let his grace cover our yesterday. we trust his wisdom to lead us to the right tomorrow, and we lean on him in our times of trouble today. we don't walk alone. we aren't alone.

new year, old promise...

2009-01-01T14:17:00.001-08:00

this morning when i woke up i felt incredibly content. i opened my eyes slowly and smiled as i thought of all the amazing possibilities and adventures that are ahead in 2009. it was perfect and wonderful. you see my favorite part of every year is new year's day. it's the one day a year that my cynical self takes a nap. one day that i believe i will keep my resolutions, one day i trust my wildest dreams to come true, and the one day that the old promise of hope let's it's scent linger. i love new year's day. so today i will dance and dream and wonder.

world AIDS day

2008-12-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

giving it back on thanksgiving...

2008-12-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

this year for thanksgiving i was in houston, texas. the "california nazarians" were visiting the "texas nazarians". it was big and loud and wonderful. there was so much to be thankful for: jared's new wife sarah, who is quickly becomming my favorite cousin. the food and family we had. the warm and wonderful house we stayed in. lisa's newly purchased home. and although i found myself full of joy there was still a small twinge of sorrow.

as much as i love the holiday season, there is this small part of me that wishes i could hide in bed the night before thanksgiving and stay there till after new years. there is this ache in my heart. the ache has two parts (i bet you didn't know it was possible for an ache to have parts, well it is!). the first is the ache i have for the poverty around the world. i think about the time i spend buying presents and making cookies and i wish i could fill it more usefully. i wish i could gather each lost and lonely child in my arms and tell them it will all be alright. the second ache is much less noble. the second ache is for that person, that man that will gather me in his arms and whisper that it all will be alright. i wish i had someone to kiss under the mistletoe. no scratch that- mistletoe smells and i would never put it up in my home. but you get the idea. so readers, i anxiously await the beginning of the holiday season, and i also anxiously await the end.

finding the balance...

2008-11-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

i had planned on posting this blog on tuesday after the election results came in. but for some reason i just hadn't quite finished sorting out all of my feelings and needed a bit more time to process. i'm sure most of you know that i have been excited for this election since june of last year. i spent a lot of time researching each candidate, even before some of them had offically become candidates. i read hillary clinton's autobiography, both of barack obama's books, john mccain's biography, and even pursued bits of rudy's book (although i must admit i didn't get very far). i watched CNN, BBC, and FOX. i took stock of each party's side. eventually i landed on senator barack obama. i was encouraged by his fresh approach. i loved listening to him speak. i agreed with his plans for education and health care. i felt confident that he could lead our country. for the most part my friends respected the decision i'd made. there was of course the odd pressure here and there, but nothing ridiculous. i do feel bad for my dad though, because apparently there were quite a few members of our congregation that felt the need to explain to my dad why his newly christened "liberal" daughter was throwing her brains away. and although i don't feel that my political beliefs are anyone's buisness, i enjoyed engaging people about this election.

i know many of my friends who have hated this political season. they feel judged. they don't like how things turned out. they're angry. i understand that. i, however, have loved every second of it. it's been exciting and historical. someday my grandkids are going to ask me if i remember when president obama was elected. they'll have to interview me for some school project and i'll laugh as i think of tina fey's spot-on impression of sarah pallin. things have been heated, sure but there has never been a campign that wasn't heated. for example in 1800 james callendar (hired by thomas jefferson) wrote a slew of slanderous articles against then-president john adams. and in the late 19th century davy crockett claimed that martin van buren wore women's corsetts. i'm tired of people who claim to be "interested and involved" in polictics idealizing it. it's politics. it's dirty and often unfair. i can guarentee each side comprimises, each candidate is willing to bend a little to get what they want.

this year something amazing happened: we elected a man who inspires millions, who challenges our beliefs about what is possible. for one minute take some time to breath. forget about what makes you mad, how you think things should have gone. forget about being "righteously outraged" and get excited! john f. kennedy inspired us toward the moon, abraham lincoln shot us to a free country for all, let's give barack obama the time and space to see where his inspiration leads.

copy-cat 2...

2008-11-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

i stole this from kelsey, who stole it from holly, who stole it from maryann. by the way, having 2 hours to kill EVERY tuesday is really adding content to my blog.

Top Fives thing I can't live without, under $51.
1. TV
2. my email
3. a mark special
4. matty and t-hellinga
5. my journal of silly and vital musings

Five Favorite Movies
1. braveheart (if you haven't seen this movie your soul is probably slowly withering to death.)
2. shakespeare in love (this is particularly fantastic if you have even a small understanding of shakespeare's history and his body of work.)
3. blood diamond
4. newsies (this is mostly because it is saturated with the sweet scent of my childhood.)
5. white christmas

Five Songs that I listen to until I can't handle it anymore and then return to them in a month.
1. The heart of the matter by india aire (well actually she covered it, but i like her version best)
2. the valley by ginny owens
3. livin' on a prayer by jon bon jovi
4. heat of the moment by asia (i really dig the 80s.)
5. really anything by U2

Five people/events that inspire my life
1. nelson mandela/ the end of apharteid
2. conrad and bonnie kusel
3. the children's choir that i direct
4. jesus
5. grandma nazarian

Five moments/events that changed my life
1. DTS, spending seven months totally devoted to learning more about myself and more about my God was utterly life changing.
2. holding a little african baby on christmas eve. watching someone so tiny struggle for each breath taught me how to grab ahold of the the hem of Christ's robe and hold on for dear life.
3. finishing college, never thought i would.
4. a conversation with Matty at family camp, that helped me value myself more.
5. being in Mr. Well's honor's english class

Five current obsessions
1. real world/road rules challenge (i'm sorry, but this show is amazing. i laugh out loud every week.)
2. the jonas brothers (wow i am totally ashamed to admit that.)
3. twilight
4. book club
5. learning to be a really talented BBQ-er

Five places I would like to go
1. london, england
2. scotland
3. kenya
4. thailand
5. never-never land

BONUS: Five querks/confessions about me
1. i have real, documented and extreme road rage
2. i am easily intimidated
3. i love airports
4. i still can't sleep the night before christmas
5. i love it when my family isn't home so i can pee with the door open

the old lady living in that shoe...

2008-11-04T15:33:00.000-08:00

so i decided today that i want to try and remember each kid i've baby-sat over the years. see my friend mark bet me i couldn't remember them all, this is me trying... let's see my first offical job was when i was 10. i am currently 24 and still baby-sitting... this is going to be a lot of kids to remember, mark might win.

- marissa hertzel
- ryan and michelle weiss
- matt and patrick hazelton
- bryan and danny white
- bret, keighly, and kerry cogan
- kathleen and melissa anderson
- emma and ethan tweitmann
- kellen and mali (can't remember the last name)
- jordan walker
- lorelai faulkner
- nate ballast
- adam aguirre
- jake, ryley, and kate goldsworthy
- hockers back when there was only 3 of them
- kaley, lindsey, cydnee, and peyton allen
- that kid who's parents worked on ER
- noah drake

that's all i can remember for now. if you know of a couple more names let me know. TOGETHER WE CAN KICK MARK'S BUTT!

Chipped Paint- A Reflection of Africa

2008-10-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

The sun was shinning so brightly I had to squint to make out any shapes at all. The day was hot; I was already sweating and I had just stepped out of the house. I looked around me and sighed as I realized how I was going to be spending my Christmas. Africa wasn’t anything I had expected. But just as quickly as that thought flew into my mind- I crumpled it up and threw it out again. Expectations are meant to be challenged, and I walked over to the car and got in.

As Pierre drove I listened to the conversations around me. Everyone was talking about what they would be doing if they were home. I thought about where I would be; what I’d be doing. It certainly wasn’t this. I wouldn’t be wearing the same clothes I had worn for the last three weeks, smelling as if I hadn’t showered in decades. I was in South Africa, headed to a hospital to make a difference, but I was beginning to feel that the difference was too small to see. I wondered whether there was a point in any of it. We drove on passing beautiful countryside so quickly all of the defined shapes had morphed into a swirl of greens and blues.

I sighed, “Do you guys feel lost? You’re traveling too fast and you want to stop and look around at what you’re chasing. But you know if you stop the thing you’re chasing just disappears.”

There was a pause of awkward silence. I turned back to the window.

Life felt so heavy in those moments. As I looked at the country around me I knew that we couldn’t cover the despair. There wasn’t enough whitewash in the world to bleach out this kind of pain. Living in South Africa was slowly destroying the hope I held inside of me. Each day that passed brought with it the reality that it didn’t matter how many hospitals I visited, how many children I held, because there would always be more; more pain, more death, I had come to Africa wanting to change it. But the longer I stayed in this country the more I felt that I wasn't enough.

I felt the car jolt to a stop. We had arrived at the local hospital and as I stepped into the dirt my eyes welled up at the sight of the pain. These people sought answers here, healing. But they couldn't receive any of the answers they needed and the healing continued to elude them. This wasn’t a hospital; this was a place where the dying took their dead. We walked past the TB ward, passed the HIV/AIDS ward. We slowed slightly and then took a left down a very long hallway. There were no walls on the hallway so the sun streamed through and heated the concrete bellow our feet. The air was thick and smelled like urine. Weeks earlier I had stopped noticing the smell of urine.

Pierre was leading the way and he stopped before a large green door, at least I assume it had been green before all the paint had chipped away. He turned around and faced our gang of twelve, “The people you are about to minister to are helpless, hopeless. They need you, so put aside what you are thinking about, it doesn’t matter, for the next four hours it’s not about you.” And then he opened the door; the door I assumed was green before all the paint had chipped away.

We walked into a children’s ward, I looked slowly to the left then the right the children were staring at us with big round eyes. I shivered slightly at the cold walls surrounding me. My mind was swirling as I realized the unfairness of it all. No child should face such a lifeless Christmas. Though my thoughts were true and noble, I knew I was hiding behind the nobility. I didn’t want to face such a lifeless Christmas.

I watched as our group fanned out. They seemed to end up in pairs: Adam and Terra, Barry and Pierre, Heidi and Jenna, Sam and Brandon, Oyvind and Nathan, and Moses and Andrew. I guess that left me odd man out. At first I walked aimlessly around the beds. I stared at little girls covered in bandages, little boys staring blankly at the walls. It shocked me that such a small space, holding so many children, could be so quiet. I moved to the back of the room where I saw a mother sitting beside a crib holding a rag doll. As I walked closer I realized it wasn’t a doll it was a child. I walked closer. Suddenly I found myself next to the mother and for a few moments just stared at the beautiful child she held. I wanted to hold her, to make every sickness and pain in that tiny body disappear. I wanted this baby to know peace. I was so full of emotions and thoughts I felt ready to burst. The mother just stared at me. I knew she couldn’t speak any English but I also knew that deep inside she felt my compassion. As I looked into the haunted eyes of the mother and she looked into the broken eyes of the “missionary” we reached an understanding, we were both missing the hope inside of us. With that look of lost hope I felt a little bit more of the green pain chip away from the door.

I looked at my feet; embarrassed that after all this time I hadn’t developed a thicker skin to agony. I was contemplating the future for this small mother and her small child when I felt something coarse in my arms. I looked down and realized that the mother had handed me her baby, wrapped only in a small, white towel.

“Hello,” I whispered, “my name is Chelsea and I love you so very much. I know it must be horrible to be here on Christmas. I wish there was something more I could do. You are such a beautiful baby.”

The only response I felt was her tiny body struggling to breathe in and out. Each breath was becoming more difficult then the last. My eyes filled with tears. One word continued to run through my mind like the ticker of a newsreel, ‘Heal.’ I had waited almost a month in this country that was so full of pain and darkness, I wanted to see God do what He had promised me; I wanted a miracle for my tiny little baby.

“It’s Christmas, God. This is the day you sent the world your miracle, please give this child hope. It’s not too late for this baby to be another Christmas miracle.” The words were spoken so softly that I wondered if they could make it to the ears of the Almighty. But when my eyes met with the eyes of the mother sitting next to me I knew that more then anything I needed my Lord to return the hope I had once felt so clearly. I needed to believe that the miracle of Jesus’ birth was still relevant, still held weight. I needed God to repaint the green door.

I was silent waiting with baited breath for my Savior to show me that His love reached beyond the pages of a Bible. I held that baby; the mother watched me, and the entire time I was praying in my head, “Lord have mercy, heal.” Each moment felt like an eternity and I saw no change in my little one. Soon it was time to go and when I handed the mother her child I whispered softly, “I’m sorry.”

Back in the car I returned to staring out the window. As we drove further and further from the hospital I felt my heart drift from my God. I didn’t understand how this could happen. I replayed countless sermons in my head, but as I thought about what happened in that small room behind the door that I assume had been green before the paint chipped away, I realized that sermons could only comment on theory and I was living reality.

When we pulled up in front of our house I rushed out the door. I called to everyone that I’d be back in a little while and I ran. I ran as fast as I could, looking for a place that I could be alone. I stopped at the playground behind our house. I sat on the top of the slide and looked out to the endless sky.

“Lord, where are you? Have you forgotten me? I am waiting for you. I'm always aiting for you. All my life I have been waiting for you.” The tears fell so freely. My body was raked with sobs and as I let myself feel truly angry, I felt something grow. Deep inside of me it seemed there was still the glimmer of hope. In that moment of release, that place of weakness I allowed myself to make room for God to show me His purpose.

My child. I sent you my son, he died a horrifying death, and I stood by and watched.

“I don’t care. Reading about that doesn’t change the fact that today I needed you, that baby needed you and you were no where.” I responded to the breeze fluttering by.

I was there. I know that child as I know you. Chelsea, I breathed life into you. I created you for such purpose. There is a call on your life to be light and hope. Trust that. Trust me.

“How can I be hope when I don’t feel it inside of me?”

Just because you can’t feel it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

With those words the breeze brushed the hair out of my eyes and I felt a strong calm rise from the pit of my stomach. I sighed and looked up. I knew, I knew deep in my soul that the love of my Lord endures. In that moment I knew that the pain of South Africa could be changed. On the walk back to the house I smiled. Maybe God didn’t heal my small Christmas child in the way I had expected, but I knew she was in Heaven with Him. I realized that was the best miracle anyone would ever experience. As I reached the front door I waited before I turned the knob.

“I’ll help you repaint the door, Abba.” With those words I finally caught what I was chasing.

copy-cat...

2008-10-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

my friend colleen (she copied the idea from our friend haley, who copied the idea from her friend karen) made this list and it sounded like a really fun idea, so here it is: 50 things you should know about me.

1. i hate all white substances because they remind me of mayo which i hate more than anything: yogurt, cottage cheese, vanilla ice cream- you name it, i hate it.
2. i love the smell of rain.
3. i want to be a mother so badly sometimes my heart aches.
4. since i was 15 years old i have wanted to live in africa.
5. sometimes while i am driving i wonder what would happen if i swerved into oncoming traffic, i don't want to kill myself, i just wonder what would happen.
6. i'm meticulously organized.
7. i'm a bit of a control feak.
8. i have an on-going dialouge with myself.
9. i think the brawny-paper towel guy is hot.
10. people assume i exagerate because i did it when i was in jr. high and sometimes i want to punch them and yell, "LET ME GROW OUT OF MY POOR BEHAVIOR!"
11. my friends and family assume they know me really well and would be surprised to find out that i hide quite a bit of myself.
12. i love airports.
13. i've always wanted to be a rock star.
14. i have seen and expected miracles and yet i am constantly surprised by them.
15. a little piece of me has always wanted to live in a tiny apartment in greenwich village and write hugely successful novels.
16. i collect "strays", people and animals.
17. when someone says i "can't" do something i put every ounce of my being into proving them wrong.
18. i find myself hugely entertaining.
19. i have already picked out names for my kids.
20. i would be doing something completely different with myself right now if i didn't have student loans.
21. i love to cook.
22. i tend to think i know how my loved ones should live their lives better than they do.
23. i would wear a dress everyday if i could.
24. i have abandonment issues and my parents are not divorced.
25. i am the oldest child.
26. i always wished i had come from a big family. i always wanted to be the youngest girl, with 5 older brothers.
27. i think about meeting my future husband a good 70% of my day.
28. i am incredibly blessed.
29. i love 80s music.
30. swimming is the only time i feel really, truely athletic.
31. i love soap operas and i must admit i am a little ashamed to reveal that.
32. i love books and i have a test system one must complete if they want to borrow any of my books.
33. i wish i could make "make-believe" a reality.
34. i hate when people notice me.
35. i hate when people don't notice me.
36. i cry super easily.
37. i hear God through media.
38. i love a good fight.
39. i think sports with no defense shouldn't be called sports, they should be called "athletic endeavors".
40. i'm a good leader.
41. i'm an E.N.F.P. in the meyer briggs.
42. i love to name inanimate objects.
43. i've always wanted to travel to london, sit in a pub, watch rugy, drink a pint, and find true love.
44. i think disney perpetuates a belief that women need men to be satisfied.
45. i think women who are no longer little girls and dress up like a disney princess for halloween need to re-evaluate their priorities.
46. in jr. high my friend sophia calica made me promise that if i ever won an academy award i would thank her in my acceptance speech.
47. i have not seen sophia calica since jr. high, but if i ever won an academy award i would thank her in my acceptance speech.
48. my deepest fear is being alone.
49. i love my silent days.
50. i cannot be summed up in lists.

Barack-in' the Vote!

2008-10-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

i am so excited about this election. the other day i was watching the debates and i couldn't help but smile. these are history- makin' times. either way, mccain or obama it's historic. and i can smell the fervor in the air, almost everyone i know is paying attention. when was the last time so many people were so on fire for politics? when was the last time we cared, or believed that perhaps an election could change anything? i think there are some really important aspects of this election for me personally.

the first thing is that it's been eight years since i really believed in a candidate. two previous elections where i felt like it was just picking between two lemons. but this year, this election i believe in barack obama. i don't necessarily agree with everything he does, but i believe in him. i trust him. i think he is an honorable man. i think he can bring about the change he's promising. and that gets me so excited.

it's not that i think john mccain isn't a good choice. in fact he brings a lot to the table, but i don't trust him the same way that i do obama. i'm sure he's a good man, but the fact is he seems more like a politician than a man. i get lost in his "message" i want to know who he is and what he believes. even if those beliefs differ from mine, i want to know them.

so i'm voting obama and i'm pretty dern excited about it.

Just Do It Already!

2008-09-06T21:07:00.001-07:00

this is my absolute favorite scene from one of my all time favorite shows. if you enjoy the wit and amazing writing in this scene and you have never experinced the west wing, run now as fast as you can and rent the first season!

first day...

2008-09-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

last night i couldn't sleep. and even though i didn't actually fall asleep until somewhere around 1am i was totally awake by 7am. today was my LAST first day of school. that's right i am getting my teaching credential at long beach state and it's a year and a half program. this means (in case you couldn't figure it out) that i am offically done with first days. i had one for kindergarden through 6th grade. then i had a couple in jr. high. i had four immensely sucessful first day's in high school and topped the whole experience off with the 5 first days i had for college. but today is it. this is the last time i will scope out the school supplies at target on labor day. i'm done picking out the perfect outfit. no more backpacks to load or friends to compare schedules with. so good-bye first days and hello real world!

houseboats- more than a house, much more than a boat!

2008-08-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

so last week i was on houseboats. there were thirty high schoolers crammed onto two boats. we played and laughed, there were banana boat wars and there was a major game of "honey if you love me please smile" (which of course patrick hazey won). there were so many moments that i loved. at one point i was sitting on the front deck of the boat and the sun was shinning, a couple of the boys were fishing, and taylor swift was the soundtrack for the day. i felt like this was one perfect moment.

among all the fun and laughs God moved in awesome ways. i watched as our students reached out and grabbed the hem of Jesus' robe. their faith was astounding. each of these stduents came with their own unique experience, some were bathed in pain and others had no idea what to expect. but God showed up for each one. as they questioned and prodded God, He reached back and wrapped these students in his arms.

each year i love watching God move through the kids. they are always light-years ahead of me when it comes to trusting that movement. I am constantly reminded that when we jump off the cliff God grabs us and makes sure we never fall. faith is more than trust, it's beyond a decision and the students i work with get that.

the best part of home...

2008-06-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

when i pulled into my driveway about a week ago my whole body seemed to relax. there's an anticipation that takes over as i pull off of prospect and onto faye lane. but the scent of salt water and the sight of that big blue enigma we call the pacific aren't the best parts. the best part of home is how every time i come back my whole family (daisy included!) rushes out the front door to greet me. i'm not sure i can explain what it's like to have this kind of unconditional love.

my mom always makes sure to have a mark special waiting hot on the kitchen table. tyler cracks some stupid joke that makes me giggle. dad helps unload the car and all the while daisy jumps around barking as if nothing could make her happier. there's something so comforting to be welcomed home. i am always welcome in my home. no matter my decisions, no matter my mistakes. and then just when i think the house and my heart will burst with the wonder of it all, in walks matty and oliver! and those boys (well, i guess men now) they love me and they protect me. they're the big brothers i always needed.

so i don't know if you know this delightful joy that is the "welcome" but i hope you do because there is nothing more gooey! and gooey is what we're always shooting for!

cha-cha-changes...

2008-05-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

''Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad. It's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.''

it was a sunny september afternoon. i remember grabbing my purse and shouting a quick good-bye to my parents as they headed for a well deserved nap. as i walked towards martin square the butterflies quickly grew to jurassic park proportions. i was terrified, which made me laugh because i was just going to meet my orientation group- it's not like i was hosting the white house correspondance dinner. i found my group leader and just stared at strange faces. as we stood in a circle, hiding from the sun and sharing the bits of ourselves that we'd polished the best, i wondered if i would even remember any of these people three years later. that was the beginning.

the middle? well that is harder to put into words. how do i begin to express the laughter, late night talks, and tears i shed here? i can't. but i can say that all of my friends and experiences here helped me become more me! i think that one of my favorite memories was thanksgiving re-mix. our house was bursting with joy that night. the boys breezing in carrying food, matt worried that shannon would be offended by his fake polar bear hat; the whole night was full of laughter. i remember at one point looking around the room and feeling like this night was perfect. even those that were forced to the kiddie table had a good time. it's nights like that that sum up my time in seattle- good friends, good food, good conversation.

the end? well, the end is of course sad and devestating and exciting. i cannot imagine not having family dinners or coffee dates with brey or movie nights with elizabeth. i do not know how i will survive without laughing with my amazing roomates and i know that i will desperately miss mothering these boys. but i am so excited for the surprises around the bend. i am really ready to start fresh. no "good-byes" but definately some "see you laters"!

what happens after "happily ever after"

2008-05-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

this quarter i have been taking a course entitled, "human sexuality." we've been discussing everything from birth control to homosexuality. it's been interesting to dive into discussion with such a diverse group of individuals. anyway, today we began our discussion of marriage. i found myself sitting in the room shocked by how unprepared my classmates are. is it possible to be this clueless? here's the thing, the topic was MARRIAGE and yet for a good hour there was some major discussion on WEDDINGS! guys, i am not sure if you're aware of this or not- but those are two very different things. i am convinced that our society today puts too much emphasis on the white dress, flowers, and where the couple will honeymoon than the actual marriage.

i have a great example of one couple i know that did it right. my best friend leigh anne (lala, don't be mad that i am writing about you in my blog) and her husband jordan were married in august of 2005. their respective families couldn't afford to help pay for the wedding and so leigh anne and jordan had a $7,000 budget- TOTAL! that included honeymoon, reception, flowers, dress, the whole enchillada (as my spanish savior sal would say). i remember asking leigh anne if she was bummed that she wasn't getting her fairy tale day. do you know what my incredibly wise friend said, "no! because i am getting the prince and i don't plan on losing sight of him in exchange for one day of magic. i want a lifetime of magic."